


we transcend time and space

by EdenMiasma



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Past Lives, Biting, Depression, Drug Use, Drugged Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inappropriate touching, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo is a naughty boy, Marking, Mental Illness, NSFW, Past Lives, Polyamorous Character, Power Play, Rough Sex, Smut, Vaginal Sex, bb8 is a genderfluid AMAB named Bebe, i love au's, migraines, this is written by an australian and our drinking age is 18 ill fight you, vague student teacher relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdenMiasma/pseuds/EdenMiasma
Summary: Rey has finally moved out and things are starting to look up!that is until she meets her neighbour, a brooding, angry man. their first meeting unlocks memories of a life long forgotten between them and she must learn how to live with these flickers of a past self crossing into her real world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my new fic. Its vaguely inspired by a fanfiction i read years ago when i was 17 called "Perhaps in another life" but i wont go too deep into that realm :3c
> 
> anyway hope yalls enjoy!

New beginnings should be exciting, or so she thinks, but the mundane familiarity of moving home left Rey feeling more exhausted than anything.

 

Boxes upon boxes hauled up through a narrow elevator in her arms, each poorly labeled with an estimate of its contents and jingling with the remains of probable broken glass. She was too used to this, but the knowledge this will be her second to last move _ever_ was so comforting.

 

Room 1504, door held slightly ajar with a concrete cat sculpture that had long since lost its head, and room filled with the muffled sound of her friend who was aggressively shoving her couch into the far corner of the living area.

 

“Finn, i swear to god if you put a hole in the wall you’re making up the difference in my bond” 

 

The man looked up at her, a few beads of sweat already on his brow from the effort.

 

“it just doesn’t look right” he complains.

 

“No one is going to complain about my couch being a centimetre off kilter, theres more things to worry about”

 

Rey dumped her armful of boxes on the ground in the kitchen before staring back at him, head tilted and hands sternly on her hips. “Come on, next is the bed frame and mattress! daylight is burning. Once everything’s up we can get lunch”

 

Finn let out a deep and dramatic sigh but followed her without question out the door again.

 

The mattress was honestly the ‘easy’ part of this. Though heavy it was just once piece and definitely not as tedious as carrying in the numerous planks of wood that made up the hand-me-down relic Maz had gifted her once she left. And worse yet trying to fit them all inside the cramped elevator that can hold no more than maybe six people at a time.

 

“It feels like this things gonna drop any moment, are you sure its safe?” Finn complains, though he really says something similar no matter what elevator he is in.

 

Rey tests her faith in the rickety device by lifting a foot and stomping it down hard on the linoleum floor, the tight room shook and lights above them flickered for a brief moment. Finn’s hans fly out to brace himself against the wall as he suppresses a panicked “Ffffffuck!”

 

The desert girl cant help but to laugh.

 

* * *

 

Lunch may have come later than they planned, if anything it was more of a dinner as the sun gradually set out the kitchen window and hid behind the sister building that obscured her view. Finn sat lazily, or moreover lay, on her couch with legs outstretched and perched on the coffee table as he shovels fried rice into his face.

 

Rey isnt too different, only her knees are pulled up to her chest with the empty container of lemon chicken perched on top of them. The screen before them shows an odd advertisement for smart mops.

 

“You’d think after her kids spill that much cranberry juice on the floor mum would just sell the kids and buy a new floor entirely” Rey snips in, too tired to filter herself from voicing her less articulate thoughts. 

 

“but they’re clumsy, her children wouldn’t fetch a high price. They’d get her a fancy rug at most”

 

“or a new smart mop”

 

Her comment makes Finn choke on a laugh, and not a good one, but the kind where the food gets stuck in places it truly doesn’t belong and he’s staring back at her with watery eyes. It makes her laugh too.

 

By nightfall Finn is already asleep on her couch and Rey sits quietly on her kitchen floor unboxing the cups and plates and all other bits of cutlery she’d haphazardly thrown into it during the moving process. _Oh theres what was making the noise_ she regards the shattered pieces of a wine glass that slit the side of her hand when she wasn’t paying attention. 

 

A makeshift paper towel bandage keeps her from bleeding all over her kitchenware, a mental note taken to by bandages tomorrow when she can, and soon everything is put away along with her non-perishable foodstuffs and anything that survived the trip into her second hand refrigerator.

 

_This is it_.

 

_new home, new world, new start._

 

The last time she’d had a move so substantial was her last relocation in the orphanage system where she was graciously left in the care of Maz Niima, a woman as generous as she was strange, who taught her how to crochet on cold winter nights and took her boarding down sand dunes in the summer. 

 

She taught her what it felt like to be loved.

 

It nearly broke her heart to move out after so long spent in her presence, but her parting words were just as mystic as she’d expected. “my child, You aren’t going anywhere I cant reach. Even in another universe I can still see your smile, a little distance never hurt anyone”

 

She didn’t quite understand the woman, but she got the gist of it. And that was that she will still be a _home_ for her no matter what.

 

Now, more than anything, she feels _safe_.

 

The switches on her kitchen appliances are finally turned and make sure everything is operational. the clock systems are all correctly set to the current 11:23pm, even the stupid and never used bullet blender that she bought on a whim just because it looked cool.

 

She is simply tired now, the day had been exhausting but by some miraculous turn everything of substantial size had been carried fifteen stories up in one day by just two people. she deserved a good rest.

 

Shaking the sleeping man lightly she whispered “c’mon peanut, get up. you’ll mess up your back like this”. He mumbles something in his sleep and buries his face deeper into the soft cushions as he could to hide from her pestering touch.

 

_fine, just don’t complain to me when you’re hurting tomorrow morning_ she holds her tongue as she drags herself into her bedroom.

 

The bed isnt made yet and she thinks it can honestly wait. Rey stripping down to her underwear and undershirt and dragging her naked duvet to the bed for what turned into the most comfortable and long sleep she’d had in years.

 

* * *

 

14 hours is a bit much to sleep.

 

Rey raises groggily, her hair is a mess, her clothes askew, but her body felt like the softest, warmest and laziest pile of marshmallow goodness she didn’t even want to move. Just a feeling of pure comfort.

 

“Finn?” she calls out, echoing into the quiet apartment space.

 

no response.

 

So reluctantly Rey gathers all energy she has to drag herself out of her bed and peek through the door. Finn wasn’t on the couch any more, or in the kitchen or the bathroom. nowhere. But the rest of her Boxes were neatly stacked on the carpet of her living space and a delicate letter sitting on top of it with a can of energy drink to weigh it down.

 

M _orning Peanut,_

_hope you rest well and that me leaving didn’t wake you_

_up. I got asked to come out to Rose’s place and fix the_  
_broken fence issue before her dog causes any more problems._  
_If you need more help you know where to find my number XX_  
_(P.S i bought you a little pick-me-up)_

 

He followed up the word ‘pick-me-up’ with a little drawing of a bull with tiny wings. He knew just what she needed, a tasty cocktail of sugar and caffeine and tooth rotting badness that made your heart pump like crazy for a few minutes.

 

But god damn if they didn’t work for her.

 

Within a few minutes of drinking the saccharine dentists nightmare Rey’s got enough energy in her body to make her first trip to the convenience store at the opposite corner of the block and by some of the homely basics.

 

Athletic ware is her daily dress, not just for the pleasant look of tightly forming leggings but also because she actually likes to exercise. Today just wont be one of those days, but you wouldn’t be able to guess just by seeing her down the street would you, given her well toned legs and lithe figure, and the oh so ‘sporty’ look of all her hair pulled off her face in a neat triplet of buns that she swears other people do and _she’s not weird for doing it._

 

Her sneakers are slipped on at the door and canvas bag with phone and house keys already slung over her shoulder. She was eager to meet the cashier at her closest convenience store, once you’re friends with one of them life will go smoothly or so Maz’s wise words had told her.

 

Rey waits for the elevator patiently, though her light bouncing from one foot to the other tells a different story, she was simply generating energy in her legs she tells herself.

 

Floor 13.  


Floor 14.

 

Finally 15 lights up in a calm orange ring around the white inked number on the panel. A quiet ‘ping’rings out before the doors opened slowly. Someone was already in there.

 

An impossibly tall figure clad in mostly blacks and greys, a pair of reading glasses perched on a large proud nose, sharp angular features accentuated by a splatter of dark moles and framed by perfect deep ebony hair that fell to his shoulders in angry unkempt waves. One side of his hair is braided from the left and runs over his head to disappear in the mess of locks.

 

There was something about his presence that exerted an air of strength, of dominance, an overwhelming _powerful_ presence that made her feel like the breath was being forcefully pulled out of her lungs with molten hooks.

 

_suffocating._

 

The man had been reading something on his phone when the doors opened, eyes moved to the inside panel and its many numbers before he stepped out of the small suspended room, barely even glancing in Rey’s direction as if he had better things to do than give so much as a glance to a stranger on his floor.

 

He does however do a double take.

 

Its impossible to not notice how he abruptly stops in place after shouldering past her, a hand twice the width of hers reaches to and grips her bicep just a touch too hard like a man who doesn’t quite know his own strength.

 

Rey is turned towards him, reeling, _what the hell does he want?_

 

The stranger’s brows are furrowed, up close she can see how his eyelids twitch with some uncontrolled emotion, a slight shudder in pouty red lips, and the constellation of freckles that hide amongst the much darker spots.

 

Their eyes meet and the world stills around them.

 

* * *

_REY!_

 

_She feels panic. Blind and red hot, pumping through her veins as her fight or flight response kicks into gear and sends her running off into the dense woodlands with a blaster clutched in shaking unsure hands._

 

_Rey doesnt know where to go, feet stumble on raised tree roots or misplaced rocks, her ankle sings in pain from one badly placed foot, shoulders connecting with one or two trees on her way through. Her escape is clumsy but the more distance she puts between her and the First Order troopers the better._

 

_She reaches a particular area, raised rocks covered in moss, a tiny yawning passage to more places to hide. Just for a moment she decides to still, to breathe and re-orientate herself, and in the distance she hears the screams of fighter jets and blaster shots, and the much too close crunch of twigs breaking under weight thats not her own._

 

_of someone following her close by._

 

_Back pressed to the stones she looks in all directions she could, no signs of white armoured troops, no mystery faces hiding in the trees or rocks, but a strangling fear, a presence, clouds her mind and constricts her ribs._

 

_she’s suffocating in the fear._

 

_More running, the feeling of wet moss and sharp rocks catching her skin and leaving bare white scratches on her surface, back pressing to any crevice she can so no one can surprise attack her._

 

_That is till a shadowy figure makes its way through the rock passage, already so close to her, and a bright red saber is ignited in their hands. The figure stalks towards her, no step misplaced, carelessly knocking back every blaster shot she sends their way, they oozed the confidence of a seasoned killer, of someone who_ knows _they’re going to come out on top in this. and it scares her._

 

_Rey climbs the rocks and gets to a small clearing, but the figure advances faster than she can account for, if she kept running they’d just catch up. She’s pacing backwards with pathetically awkward steps, blaster raised with poorly aimed shots that don’t come anywhere close to this person._

 

_Before she can get a clear shot at them they raise a hand and something stills her whole body, arm thrown behind her back and tensing so tightly it was nearly painful. To lose all control of your body was a new level of terrifying, moreso when a dangerous monster is looming in front of her._

 

_“The girl i’ve heard so much about”_

 

_The voice is robotic but masculine and deep. This is a man. A terrifying man that now surveys her as he circles like a predator. From behind the mask she cant see anything and envisions him as a living cloud of pure darkness._

 

_“the droid…” he begins, now behind her where she cant see, till a burning heat radiates against her cheek, red hot like iron from the fire and casting an eerie red glow against her skin “…where is it?”_

 

_She feels panic again, a sure death hovers inches from her neck, but the man who holds it against her has a steady hand that doesn’t flatter for a second till he brings the weapon away again. A hot breath leaves her, the man circles again in front of her again._

 

_Shes reminded of how dunecats pace similarly when picking the right place to strike on a separated lonely bantha. A robotic huff is heard, like a chuckle that his mask cant process correctly. and a hand reaches out again._

 

_Pain blooms behind her eyes, in her nasal cavity, between her teeth and ears and deep inside her skull. it is all pain and he is casing it. “the map…” he continues “youve seen it”. She can feel him digging into her mind, into her memories, with bloodied leather clad fingers and no care what he might pull away if he’s too reckless._

 

_Words are exchanged between him and nearby ground troops but Rey cant bring herself to focus on them, she just wants it to go away, the pulling, the digging, the sound in her ears like bugs were crawling inside them and flooded with water._

 

_She wanted it all to stop. And so it did. The world around her fell to black before she could feel the pain subside._

 

* * *

 

“hey, come on. You’re ok”

 

A deep and lulling voice, dropped low to a near whisper, rings around her head. Rey’s eyes flicker, the pain was no longer there, but neither were the trees, and the cloudy sky or the man in black with the bright red laser sword. 

 

Instead the concerned face of a tired man looms in her left side peripheral. She tries to get up but a flustered hand holds her shoulder back down onto what feels like carpeted floor. Another smooths the stray hairs from her face and carefully hooks them behind her ears, a touch that is both soft and shaking.

 

The world around her begins to piece back together.

 

She was Rey Niima, she lived on the 15th floor of an apartment complex, she was… going grocery shopping… and then she saw a man and.. then what?

 

The man exasperatedly ran a hand down his face and sighed, sounding frustrated.

 

“who are you? where am i?” Rey finally asks.

 

“fucking finally, you’ve come to” the man replies, not answering either. She gives him a pointed look with narrow eyes.

 

“youre on the floor in the hallway. you passed out outside the elevator and almost hit your head. you’re damn lucky I was there to catch you”

 

He almost sounded as if it were a chore to do so. Her memory up to this point is now hazy, she remembers leaving her apartment, waiting for the elevator, seeing the man, something fuzzy after he stepped out of the elevator. _man i did pass out didn’t I? what the hell._

 

“Im sorry, thank you for not letting me die i guess?” 

 

“i guess that can pass as grateful” he makes it sound like a passing comment.

 

She sits up slowly now, and the man lets her, a hand gently settles between her shoulder blades as support and she can hear him breathe an “easy there” against her shoulder. Rey’s head is swimming but it easily shakes off whatever just happened save for a dull throb behind her eyes.

 

Her head turns to the man again, he is close to her, kneeling, and her nose nearly brushes his from their proximity. He pulls back but eyes her curiously. She speaks again “..do i know you?” she asks.

 

The mans brow furrowed further, if they possibly could have, his eyes were nearly sinking into the black abysmal shadow caused by the very drop of his brow. “no you dont” he says, definite, it was almost as if he had taken offence to her question. He stands, towering and massive, and promptly makes for what she could only assume is his apartment room. 

 

1505

 

Right at the end of the hallway and right beside her own home. One of the larger, nicer, but pricier rooms the complex had to offer. He also had the city view she had sulked about missing out on.

 

_prick doesn’t deserve such a nice place_.

 

His door closes with a slam, leaving her on her butt, still on the carpeted floor of the hallway and elevator door beeping at her to enter as her leg had been keeping it open the whole time. _oh yes… shopping_. she reminds herself as she collects her things from the ground and enters the small room again.

 

in the back of her mind that dream she had playing like a broken record. 

 

_what the hell kind of pass-out fever dream was that?_

 

* * *

 

_shit! shit! SHIT!_

 

The moment his apartment door closed Kylo felt his compiled stress boil over. It had been a shitty week, a shitty month even, complications wormed their way into his life at every chance they could, finding even the smallest pinholes to force themselves in and make things harder on him.

 

Hes been given a class of half capacity, which is fine, but their collective grades are terrible. His car broke down and public transport gives him anxiety attacks so he’s been spending so much money on taxis and ubers he may as well have bought a whole new car entirely.

 

But this? This is like a shitty store bought icing on the 5 week old stale cake that was his life. Painfully sweet and terrible for you.

 

The girl with impossibly gorgeous brown eyes, skin sun kissed and golden, as many freckles as there were stars in the galaxy and his heart knows he’d pull every last one of them from the sky if it means he could see the smile that haunts his dreams. 

 

_Rey_.

 

Something he’d believed to be a ghost, a contrived piece of fiction, his imagination that had run rampant from his youth and chased his tail even now with the memory of _her_.

 

She was not her though.

 

This woman looked like her, yes, but at what point can you tell yourself your imagination is real? especially when its filled with things like laser swords and guns, people who can control the world around them like magic, creatures beyond comprehension that were given the menial task of being a mount when crossing hazardous paths on a far away planet.

 

no. His fantasy world is not a reality.

 

Kylo pushes the palms of his hands against his brow bone, sinking into the sockets to alleviate some of the building pressure behind his eyes but only manages to relieve him the slightest bit.

 

He paces to his bathroom, lights left off, and opens his mirror cabinet sparing not a single glance at his tired reflection. Bottles and boxes are lined in uniform perfection, he remembers them by color, not name. Orange, white with blue lid, solid white in the morning. Lilac stripe for the headaches, yellow stripe for the episodes. white with blue lid at night again.

 

He takes two pills from the yellow striped box and one from the lilac striped box. 

 

The peripheral of his vision dances with a red hue and he swears he can smell salt, thick and irritating, the pills are washed down with water even though they clearly state to be taken with food.

 

_she isnt real_ he tells himself, and the voice in his head is that of his therapist, _don’t project your broken fantasy onto a stranger_.

 

 

It doesn’t take long till the medication kicks in. He toes off his shoes and lets himself lay back on his couch, a book perched on his chest to read but the words never really connecting into a story, he’s retaining nothing, but the numbness throbbing in his brain is more welcome than reliving pain from a world long forgotten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is enough to pull people in hahaha....fukc  
> anyway! i hope to upload at least a chapter a week. i have a busy human life unfortunately but im emotionally attached to this story and i wanna see it through to an end! >:OOOO
> 
> If you wanna contact me im on twitter @ViscousMutt


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets to talk some with the strange man next door and has a house warming party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry im slow at writing this hhh. i do it in-between work and my job/rental applications. life is hard XD

Rey’s first interaction with the cashier of the convenience store couldn’t have gone any more mediocre if she tried. He noted her somewhat shaken look, how her eyes were just a bit glassy, he probably thought she was either sick or coming down form a bad high. 

 

She couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of fear she’d retained from that dream, that _nightmare_ , that felt much too real and had her flinching whenever someone so much as stepped behind her. With hope, it will never happen again.

 

She isnt unfit in the slightest, and surely not currently ill, she’d gotten plenty of sleep that night too, so there was really no reason for her to have blacked out like she had other than maybe the stress of moving but even then its a reach.

 

“Try to get some sleep, miss!” calls the cashier with a kind of playful wave as she steps out through the electric door. At the very least the man was kind and had a sense of humour. She had been so spaced out and so distracted that she didn’t even read his name badge. She will try better next time though. 

 

Now is for the short block home. She’s lucky to be in the city now and the stores on the way to the apartment complex are quite interesting. A casual tobacco store with decorative garbage in the front window amongst incorrectly named drug paraphernalia, a quaint little cafe, nameless travel agency, clothes, clothes, oh! an italian restaurant. She makes a mental note for that one.

 

Of the many cars parked on the sides of the street only one of them has a broken window and a second with duct tape holding together a broken hood. Its a definite improvement from the other places she was looking to move into, including one that unfortunately had a viewing the same time a drug bust happened next door.

 

The large glass doors of the complex only part when she presses her keycard to the black panel beside it, followed by a second set beyond the lines of mail boxes for tenants. Some of them had names taped to the front of them, family names or single names. there was one on the far right decorated with small hello kitty stickers. She searched for her own number, 1504, and can see the residue of tape in a rectangular shape.

 

Right below hers was 1505, the tall dark man, his mailbox had a metal bar affixed to it with ‘K. Ren’ imprinted on it and an odd symbol scratched into the metal of the mailbox itself as if it were done with a pair of keys. 

 

K Ren. 

 

_what does the K stand for_ she thinks. _Kenny? no he doesn’t look like a Kenny. Karl? no. Kevin? Kurt? oh god please don’t be a Kurt._

 

The instance of such a name is funny to her, specifically for such a gruff, large man. Rey enjoys playing a guessing game with herself as she ascends in the elevator.

 

* * *

 

The first few days were relatively peaceful. Rey kept her eye on the calendar, her new University schedule will be released in a week or two, but kept her mind active with odd jobs in the city, She’d made friends with the owners of the two cafes on the block and one had offered a free meal to her if she could fix his broken dishwasher after she expressed her expertise in ‘tinkering’ as she calls it.

 

Thats one way to establish yourself in a new community.

 

What does catch her attention is how she hadn’t seen Mr Ren, or even heard a thing from his apartment, since the moment in the hallway. No opening or closing doors, no distant sound of a television running, hell not even the flush of a toilet. She thinks maybe he doesnt even live here, maybe he was a visitor and K Ren was a hermit she’d never actually seen before.

 

Regardless, its no loss to her, though she did wish she could be on the good side of her neighbour at the very least. You never know when you might need a helping hand after all. 

 

Her recent groceries are unpacked and a new collection of alcohol were slowly being stocked in an overhead cupboard, she was a social drinker, but exclusively does cocktails. She had been reprimanded by Finn for having nothing just the other day and decided maybe a ‘house warming party’ of sorts would get her stocked up and ready.

 

Also because he wanted an excuse to bring his partners over to her flat.

 

Of course she said yes. But only to a handful of friends that had graduated along side her and maybe a plus one or two, after all theres only so many surfaces in her home a person can sit without risking breaking something. 

 

So now she’s elbow deep in bags of snacks to satiate her ever-craving friends who are due to turn up in around three hours time at 8pm. Rey sets to reorganising the furniture layout to optimise the floor sitting space around her coffee table, she can already picture Poe, as playful as ever and keeping composure even after outdrinking Finn, dropping a bottle on the top of the polished wood and shouting _“TIME FOR SPIN THE BOTTLE!”_ as if they were all 16 again.

 

The very thought brings a smile to her face though. Its not a party without Poe bringing out everyones childish side, or having a long hard bitch about his work colleague Mrs Holdo who, though pretty and well respected, intentionally leaves poe in the dark not knowing what is going on just because she has something against him. 

 

It makes Rey wonder when the next time the gang will all be together again. its rare they meet up now, someone was always doing something. If anything this is going to feel like a going away party.

 

Rey’s phone blinks at her, a message from Finn, it shows a picture of him standing in front of his wide bathroom mirror looking fine as ever, to his left is Rose, his girlfriend wearing a cute body conforming minidress, and to his right is Poe, his boyfriend, sporting a button up beneath his signature leather jacket. 

 

They’re a beautiful trio.

 

Rey responds with her own photo, deciding to take the closest bottle of whiskey out of her cupboard and snap a pic of her face pressed against the cool glass. She’s nowhere near ready with her hair in a messy bun, face red from being outdoors in the sun, but at the very least she can still say she’s cute, even without makeup.

 

But that was next on her agenda. Dressing up, makeup, she barely touched these on a regular basis. In her built in wardrobe she’d barely hung up her clothes, the only thing of hers unpacked that was really ‘party’ material was the short golden dress she’d worn to the post-graduation party at the local clubs.

 

It will have to do.

 

She walks to her bathroom where more boxes were haphazardly placed, most containing towels while her unused empty boxes lay in the bathtub. It wasn’t like she was going to use it any time soon. 

 

Rey settles on some simple bronze makeup to accentuate her eyes, her skin already flawless by some godly blessing she doesn’t remember praying for. She snaps a picture and sends it Finns way to which he responds with a myriad of emojis mainly consisting of clapping hands, hearts, eggplants and waterdropplets. A probable sign of appreciation.

 

_what do i do next?_ she thinks to herself. Maybe check the balcony? Finn had expressed interest in coming out and enjoying the breeze on the balcony when he can. It was located just outside her bedroom, hidden behind heavy curtains. At the very least she could sweep it and make sure it is clean for Finn to drag his partners out there and… kiss or whatever it is dating people do.

 

The air is cool, early autumn breeze that swept the ground and carried an earthy scent upwards., even through she wasnt near the trees she could smell their dewy leaves in the air. But theres another scent, strong and drifting over to her direction, cigarette smoke.

 

It wasn’t hard to locate the source of the scent either. Just a few paces away on the opposite side of a shallow, frosted glass wall, was the man from the hallway. Business shirt rolled to the elbows and flashy wristwatch catching the fading sunlight, His eyes had heavy bags under them and a patching of stubble on his chin and lip, he draws the cigarette in for another drag and she cant help but to focus on how his supple lips close lightly on the end, and the light hollowing of his cheeks.

 

Smoking had never been an attractive image to her, it comes with health risks and an impending death that weighs heavy on your shoulders, but its an action that really seems to _match_ this man. 

 

He holds in his breath for a brief moment before exhaling deeply and she watches a plume of transparent smoke disappear into the chilled air, carried by the updraft. He’s not looking anywhere in particular, if anything he seems very zoned out, eyes staring out into the tall buildings that surround them. 

 

He taps ash off the edge of the balcony and a flicker of embers rain down.

 

* * *

 

_There were many blurs and flashes of red in her vision. Smooth shining armour that shone in the light of fluorescent bulbs and burning flames, the burning banners that fall around her._

 

_embers that rain down in near slow motion._

 

_A yell shouts somewhere around her and for the briefest moment the averts her gaze towards someone, the figure in black, now de-masked but not facing her at all. Long locks of familiar black hair that danced around his shoulders as he fought against Red armoured knights like a vicious animal._

 

_Primal, viceral, teeth bared and roaring, he was a force to be reckoned with with a blade of concentrated fire._

 

_Her distraction is short-lived when a red guard closes in on her, two seperate blades posed in opposite hands, so sharp they sang in the air when they were twisted around by skilled hands. Her own Saber may be a powerful weapon but not in hands that have barely trained longer than a week at most._

 

_They advance, blades swinging, and she guards as best she can against dual weapons. They swipe, stab, swipe again, every movement barely ticking a second before the chain continues. As her footing flatters for even the slightest moment a red-hot knife slices into her right bicep._

 

* * *

 

Rey shouts out, a cry of shocked pain, and her hand jumps to her right arm to clasp over the area of the phantom pain. It _burned_ , but despite her panic and despite her _pain_ there wasn’t a single scratch on her at all, just her…birth mark. 

 

how curious.

 

The headache set in again already, but at least she hadn’t blacked out like the last time.

 

“Is there a reason you’re screaming over there” questions a sarcastic voice from across the frosted glass, he leans with his arms crossed on top of the glass and chin against those arms, one dropped low to hold his cigarette away from his being (and annoyingly on _her side_ of the balcony)

 

She looked at him accusingly, then to his shoulder length black hair that was similar, so damn similar, to the man from her…dream? but surely that is not him. She was probably just having a stress related episode.

 

“no… I…” she couldn't find her words

 

He takes another drag on his cigarette and blows the smoke off to the side, “you look pale, and shaky, you’re not going to pass out again are you?” he questions. He is lazily taking in her image, he doesn’t even hide his dark eyes trailing down her body and lingering at the hem of her golden dress that rests at a teasing mid thigh length.

 

“Im not going to pass out!” 

 

He snorts, and a small smirk comes to his lips. His eyes were _still_ on her exposed legs and she subconsciously presses her thighs together as if it’d indicate to him she’s uncomfortable with it.

 

“Why does it matter to you anyway?”

 

The man shrugs, finally looking to her face again. “If you do pass out and, i dunno, fall off the balcony, I’m going to have to talk to the police about my weird syncopal neighbour and how its totally not my fault” 

 

_what the fucks a syncopal?_

 

“Wow, sounds like me dying would be really tedious for you, wouldn’t it?” 

 

The man shrugs.

 

“I assume you are Mr Ren, yes?” Rey asks him. His brow raises when she mentions it, eyes narrowing in question. He responds with his own question, “how do you know my name?”. It was kind of suspicious that he’d get defensive so fast.

 

“I read it on your mailbox”

 

Before the man can question her snooping Reys attention is drawn to a sound within her apartment. Knocking. It was probably Finn and his crew arriving an hour early like he always does. 

 

“um.. if you’ll excuse me” Rey leaves him with one last glance before stepping towards her balcony doors again. He returns an acknowledging nod and goes back to pulling down a cigarette alone on his own balcony, but she can surely feel his eyes on the backs of her thighs as she leaves.

 

* * *

 

By 8 the apartment was already full, Poe had been the man with a backpack of cider and Rose ready to tuck into her own bottle of red wine ( _rey’s still surprised she’s a red wine drinker to be honest),_ Jessika, Bebe, and Karé were all in the kitchen nursing colourful mixes, Oddy had perched himself on an office chair that had been wheeled out.

 

A few faces she didn’t quite recognise but were assured they were ‘good friends’ and ‘reasonable people’. All in all the turnout was great and the atmosphere was friendly and comfortable. she couldn’t ask for a better housewarming. 

 

Rey moves to sit beside the ‘troublesome trio’ that currently huddled in a pile on her couch, Poe with Finn leaning his head on his shoulder, and Rose casually laid out on their laps, the three of them red faced and giggling.

 

“Hey cuties, what are we laughing at?” Rey asks as she comfortably fits herself in.

 

Poe is the first to speak, practically placing a hand over Rose’s mouth so he could be the first one in. “Finns been playing this nerdy new MMORPG recently and his character is freaking amazing-“ his absent hand fishes for his phone to bring up a picture of a 3D florescent nightmare. Rose pulls the hand away from her face that was now soaked in saliva.

 

“Its not amazing its an eyesore! everyone else has normal looking Avatars but Poe wouldn’t be happy till the colours were made brighter”

 

She was right, its ugly, and it stood out against the natural background like a sore thumb. In the pictures distance you can see another character dressed in earthy robes and natural hues all over them, _that_ is what his character should look like. 

 

“what game is this anyway?” Rey asks now. 

 

“Its called _War of the Stars_ and its cool” Finn all but pouts. “youre in space and you help conquer and liberate planets! and you have a cool ass laser sword that can cut through _anything_ ” 

 

_Laser swords…_

 

“you mean laaaaaame” Rose rails off as she lifts her wine glass up and takes a lasting sip, leaving her upper lip tinged with burgundy before her tongue darts out to mop it up. Rey was never one for video games herself, preferring the outside world to explore rather than some fake realm, but it was definitely intriguing given the general premise of the game. 

 

It’d do good as a book or movie.

 

“Oi Rey” Finn begins “You taking up smoking?” 

 

Her eyes bulge for a moment, shocked and honestly a little offended. She protests a little more aggressively than she intended at the influence of her past four drinks. “Hell no! it was probably form my weird neighbour, he was out on the balcony earlier”

 

“weird neighbour?”

 

“Yeah weird. Idk he talks kind of like hes angry all the time, and he’s _huge_ and kind of scary”

 

Rose pipes up now “whats he look like?”

 

“Tall, black hair, resting bitchface, full lips” Finn smirks at that “lots of moles too”

 

“is he a witch?”

 

“Probably”

 

Rey snorts and picks up her half empty glass of a fruity pink liquid and skulls it down. There was a light numbness in the back of her head that made everything feel just a bit more fun, and just a bit more easy to do really other than walking straight. Which was what she was struggling to to just now to collect another beverage form the refrigerator.

 

Poe wriggles himself out from beneath Rose and Finn and follows her in, an arm is thrown over her shoulder and he’s half mumbling, half whispering little affirmations of “if that guy causes you trouble just ask me to fight him” and “hes probably just scared of you cuz you’re so cute” which she’s honestly used to because Poe is a drunk compliment maker like your token white girl in the club bathroom.

 

She assures him she’s ok. That if _Mr Ren_ tries to bully her that she’d ‘ _supplex him into another universe’_ because she was ‘super strong’. He offers her one of his ciders which she gladly accepts, its almost 10 now and everyone is getting a little rowdy noise wise.

 

As they return to the living space Poe has a new idea on the agenda.

 

“Guys guys guys!” he practically shouts to gather attention before a slap to the arm from Rey makes him tone the voice down for a moment. “we gotta play _Truth or Dare_ ”. _Oh… god no._

 

Poe loves his childish party games.

 

Reluctantly, but admittedly with a bit of excitement, everyone gathers themselves in the living space and sits around the coffee table. An empty bottle rests atop it in the middle, empty and dewy and ready to determine the fate of these misguided 20 year olds.

 

Poe was the first to excitedly flick the bottle and it rolls in a fast spiral. It lands first on Bebe, His ‘emotionally adopted sibling’ that lives at his house without paperwork, they were also a furry, but no one talks about that.

 

“My good boy bee, Truth or Dare?” Poe asks enthusiastically.

 

Bebe thinks for a moment, inhibitions already floored from multiple mixes of alcohol. they respond with a slurred “Daaare!” and a cheery smile on their face. 

 

Poe obviously pulls this one from mid air without much thought at all. “I dare you toooo…” eyes dart around the room as he searches for the right command. “Eat one of the leaves from that plant over there” and he points to the small plant living on Rey’s kitchen window.

 

Ever the fearless trooper, Bebe stands and, almost as it it were a ceremonial sacrifice, carries the small plant with them from the kitchen to the coffee table again. Everyone watched in awe as they meticulously select a ‘perfect leaf’ and instead of picking it off with their fingers they bite it off with their teeth.

 

Chew. and then swallow. 

 

_No person should be this powerful._

 

“THATS MY BOY!” Poe congratulates a bit more excited than he should be.

 

Bebe then takes the plant off the table and cradles it in their lap before taking a firm grip on the bottle, and spins.

 

* * *

 

Rey was a bit shocked at how adventurous her friends can be, She hadn’t played this in a long time and if anything they’ve all gotten much _much_ worse. Rose finishes up a deep and almost _too erotic_ kiss with Jessika on a dare given to her by Oddy. She then spins the bottle herself after taking a seat beside her boyfriend again.

 

Everyone was dreading the landing, Rose had already dropped some perfect bombs of embarrassment on others since the game kicked off. It rolled, and rolled, and rolled, till it eventually stopped pointing directly towards Rey.

 

A chorus of “ _oooooooOOOOOOH_!” announced her impending doom as Rose gives her a look of absolute death. 

 

“So Rey, Truth or Dare?” 

 

_Im dead_. Rey considers the options. If she chooses Truth it was likely Rose will ask her to unload one of the many mortifying stories of her life. There were so many that only Rose knew of and with just a few words like “ _tell everyone about that time at the pool when you lost your swimsuit and stole the trunks off another boy so you could leave”._

 

“um… Dare” Rey says cautiously.

 

There was a quirk to Roses brow. 

 

_IM SO DEAD_.

 

She’d been hoping for this.

 

“I have the perfect one for this!” Rose exclaims “I dare you to go over to your neighbours place and ask him to join us!” 

 

_oh good god no._ Rey swallows deeply, all eyes were on her. She _has_ to do it, no one has dropped a dare yet, it has become a pissing contest at this point to see who was the most hardcore of all of them. 

 

“I guess I have no choice” Rey reluctantly confirms. 

 

Like death row, Everyone parts and watches as Rey rises from her seat, settles her dress against herself and smoothes the shimmering fabric, the half full bottle in her hand is swallowed down quickly for that bit of liquid courage. The sound of the door opening and closing behind her creaks much too loudly and she’s left alone in the silent hallway. 

 

She stands before 1505. Palms are sweating and a nervous pit in her stomach. There was something about this man that just… felt like dread.

 

_Just get it over with and you can go back inside._

 

Her hand poised up and raps on the hard wooden door in a short few knocks.There is no answer, thank god theres no answer, and she practically hightails it back to her door before she hears the loud click of a turning lock.

 

_OH SHIT_

 

Mr Ren emerges from the darkness, wearing a pair of black exercise sweatpants and a threadbare grey t-shirt, Hair tied up in a ponytail to keep it from his face. 

 

“what the absolute fuck do you want?” He is clearly tired, but it honestly looks good on him, with how he leans his entire personal weight on the doorframe to stare at her. Again she can see his eyes travel down her body and back up again as if the first look wasn’t enough for him.

 

“Im I…” she stumbles on her words, slurred and unsure “I wanted to know if you wanted to come join my party?”. Hell, Rey didn’t sound sure of herself at all and he isnt buying it at all. All he knows is that his neighbour has been making quite the ruckus for the past… five hours? “well… my friends kinda dared me to ask you but like.. you know”

 

The way she stood there so shy, so awkward, and swaying on her feet with her remaining inebriation. “You don’t want me at your party” he tells her, her brow falls, looking between sad and confused. she asks him why.

 

“because I hate crowds, and I hate noise, and I’m a tired old man” 

 

“but you don’t look that old” she interjects as if that was her best argument.

 

He finds this funny, making a sound that vibrates deep in his chest but wasn’t quite a laugh just yet. “Regardless, i need my sleep Rey, You and your friends can keep enjoying yourselves”

 

It honestly bummed her out a little, she steps towards him again till their faces were near inches apart. He smelled of mint toothpaste. 

 

“What about some other time when my friends aren’t here? Quiet drinks are fun too” 

 

Mr Ren seems to like this a lot, a fire ignites in his eyes that she finds… familiar. comforting and exciting all at the same time. “Sure, If you even remember asking me come morning. You should go back to them now though” his point is accentuated by a splitting yawn from the tall man.

 

Though she doesn’t really want to go she will. But before she can even turn around she feels a large warm hand on her exposed bicep, turning her body till she’s facing her apartment door and he is close behind her. So close she can feel his breath on the back of her neck and the warmth of his body drifting off onto hers.

 

“I think you should reprimand your friends for sending their pretty little host into a wolves den though” Hands that are too brave and too sure slide down her arms till they rest on her hips. Squeezing and massaging his thumbs into the sharp hipbones that can easily be felt through the reflective fabric of her dress. 

 

“its not safe for you to have even set foot outside in such a sinful dress, not in front of me” 

 

His voice is deep, _scary_ , and enticing, maybe it was the alcohol talking, but the depth of his voice vibrated from his chest against her back and was doing dizzying things to her body. He guides her forward, step by step till she’s facing the metal plate reading 1504.

 

“Good night Rey”

 

* * *

 

By 2am Rey had waved off the last of the Taxis to leave the block, Poe and Bebe tiredly nestled inside and and close to passing out but thoroughly ‘partied out’.Her bed had never felt warmer or more inviting.

 

As she drifts off into the embrace of sleep a small thought fades out with her.

 

_I don’t remember telling him my name._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3c ohohooo what a weird man.
> 
> Also Kurt Ren is my new OC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for me to write this i went to a convention and then moved home in the space of two weeks but yO i live with a squad now and not with my family so yeee~  
> things are looking good.

Morning comes with a headache.

 

It was bound to happen, unavoidable, especially because of the prior night of enjoyable drinking that Rey hadn’t followed up with a healthy amount of water and food to soften the blow when she wakes up. 

 

It feels like her skull was splitting in half. Like her brain was melting from the inside out.

 

* * *

 

_ She awakens with a startled shake, a sense of hyper-awareness dragging her violently out of unconsciousness into a room she’d never seen before.  Her head begins to numbly throb in an asynchronous beat that brings tears to her eyes. Blaring neon light reflects off perfectly polished black tiles but didn’t hurt her eyes at all, if anything the room felt eerily calm. _

 

_ It comes to her attention that she’s shackled into something, arms awkwardly held off to her sides, neck craned back, somewhat standing but somewhat leaning back. It was uncomfortable to say the least, and reminded her of sleeping on slats of metal in her youth. _

 

_ Rey struggles against the metal that binds her wrists, small hard tugs that don’t work quite well enough as the situation dawns on her. _

 

_ She’s in the dreadful hands of her enemy. _

 

_ Just a small glance down at the man who is crouching before her cements this fact. Her head receives a particularly painful wave of ache when she makes eye contact with the blackened visor of this beasts helmet. _

 

_ “where am I?” she asks, voice already coming through thick and stressed. _

 

_ The man before her stares before answering “Youre my guest” in a matter-of-fact tone. too calm. much too in control. _

 

_ “where are the others?” _

 

_ “you mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends?. you’ll be relieved to hear I have no idea” He is right, and a small breath of relief does leave her, at the very least her friends are safe. “You still want to kill me?” _

 

_ “that happens when you’re hunted by a creature in a mask” _

 

_ The ‘creature’  does not hesitate to bring his hands to the metal helmet that enclosed him and wrench it from his head, bringing himself to tower at full height as he does so. He is impossibly tall, sporting sharp angular features accentuated by a splatter of dark moles and framed by a perfect deep ebony hair that fell to his shoulders in angry unkempt waves.  _

 

_ wait…. she swears she’s seen… _

 

_ before.. _

 

* * *

 

Rey curls in on herself and releases a shriek of agonised pain. It was fire, burning, acid poured into her ears that swamped her brain and turned it into a burning sludge that weighed heavy inside her skull. It hurt. it  _ hurt. _

 

Her fingers dug into the sides of her scalp to try and pull out  _ whatever this hellish pain was _ but her blunt nails could do nothing more than scratch the surface and pluck a hair or two. It was worse than any migraine she’d ever had, all she could do was cry and breathe and scream again till the  _ melting _ subsided.

 

Somewhere inside her Rey decides drinking should never happen again, not while she lives here at least, but why does she think that? her brain pulses again. Yes, because she lives right next to a demon.

 

Her neighbour somehow has wormed his way into her dreams and is doing something to her. She irrationally begins to theorise he’s been poisoning the water of the apartment complex, how many others are experiencing what she is.

 

She lifts her sullen head from the pillow now finally, its calming, gradually, and all that really aches is the remainder of her hangover that she honestly finds a hundred times better than whatever the hell just happened. The fabric beneath her was stained in drool, tears, and a small amount of blood. 

 

Rey doesn’t want to think. Not now. 

 

Shaky footsteps bring her to the bathroom where she doesn’t dare turn on the light, scared they will have the intensity of a thousand collapsing suns, and takes a cool shower in the dark.

 

When she leaves the bathroom into her bedroom again she can smell something, the very obvious scent of smoke, that can only be coming from the  _ evil man _ out on his balcony. The one that she didnt have any evidence towards being  _ evil _ but she’s surely suspicious out him now.

 

She cautiously slid open the glass doors and peeked around its corner, he was leaning against the balconys rail again, cigarette hanging lazily between his index and middle finger, glasses were framing his face again.

 

There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that Mr Ren was the man from her  _ dreams _ (?), the terrifying figure in black that could constrict her mind and airways and everything till it was painful to so much as bat an eyelash. He had a much too unique face, one that could barely find a doppelgänger even if he tried. 

 

Rey felt a light breeze through the doorway that drifted across her and most specifically chilled her exposed thighs that stood out from her oversized pyjama shirt. The fresh air was good though, it nursed the numb pain of her hangover like an icepack. 

 

She steels herself and steps out onto the cool tiled floor of the balcony.

 

Almost instantly she catches the attention of Mr Ren, his head flicking in her direction just enough for him to see her from the corner of his eye before turning his attention back to his cigarette.

 

He wears a simple light grey t-shirt that just barely holds away from his massive biceps, and a pair of boring black tracksuit pants. He looks good in simple clothing, and especially good with the soft worn fabric that showed pretty much everything beneath his shirt.

 

He acknowledges her over the short barrier between them.

 

“Rey, Good to see you alive and well after screaming bloody murder an hour ago” He chides humourlessly before taking a long pull. She eyes him suspiciously for a moment.  _ There he goes using my name again… the name I never told him. _

 

“I… woke up from a bad dream” she begins, and it didn’t seem to gauge a response from him other than a light shrug “It was awful. A terrible man had kidnapped me and had the power to melt my brain”

 

Ren just frowns at this. “have you considered seeing a therapist?”

 

“they have only just started happening” 

 

She misses the way his eyelid twitches, something processing, something being remembered. He makes to change the subject now, asking about her late night and now obvious hangover. 

 

“Im known to make a good remedy breakfast” he states. 

 

Rey still stares him down, at a distance, waiting for the skull splitting pain that just doesn’t seem to come. Though she doesn’t want to admit it outright her mental accusations now feel incredibly ridiculous. especially when she stands here with him and feels no more than an odd comfortable familiarity. 

 

“a remedy breakfast?” rey questions. 

 

“Yes, its basic but no ones left my care with even a sliver of a headache, nothin.”

 

_ oh yes, a homemade breakfast sounds good right now _ Rey thinks. He wouldn’t have stated it without  _ obviously _ meaning to invite her over for said remedy breakfast, and she really wouldn’t mind not having to cook for herself. 

 

“Is that you inviting me over for breakfast Mr Ren?” Rey asks, now trying to give her figure a more relaxed posture, leaning an arm against the railing of her balcony and tilting her head at him.

 

He takes a drag on his cig before responding, the smoke flowing from his lips as he does so. “Its an invitation so long as you keep wearing what you’re wearing” theres a hint of playfulness to him when he says this. 

 

Rey takes a quick moment to survey herself.

 

A shirt that was once Finn’s, slightly ratty and a large hole ripped next to the left shoulder, and her boy short underwear. She was almost embarrassed till she considered how her dress last night left just the same amount of skin for show, albeit with more  _ shine _ to it.

 

Her brow quirks though. he’d  _ obviously _ said this in a way to poke fun at her, if not then it was a way to flirt. She’s not too sure yet.

 

“Fine, but you better have your heating turned on”

 

She’d take the challenge of banter if he offers it, theres clearly part of him that wants to quip and prod till she reacts to something he does. And theres a part of her that surely wants to challenge him. In her mind there is a flash of a dream, of excited deep brown eyes that creased with the hint of a smile, with mischief and something erotic.

 

Its surely reflected in his eyes now, he noticed her looking over herself, but only hints towards her with a shrug before butting out on the railing border and flicking it onto the city streets below to be cleaned up by some street sweeper.

 

His head cocked towards his side of the building and disappeared into the apartment, Rey followed in suit, pacing barefoot through her bedroom and out through her front door, leaving it unlocked in the case of a quick getaway, and stood before Mr Ren’s own apartment door. 

 

She needn’t knock because Ren was already at the door, swinging it open with a bit more eagerness than he should have. Regardless, she holds her head high as she passes him, line of sight cautious and flickering away from him when his dark eyes hold onto hers for just too long.

 

“Just through here” He motions towards his living space off to the left and guided her towards it with a hand lightly pressing between her shoulder blades and making her walk just a bit faster,

 

His apartment was much more spacious than hers, with many floor length windows on the outside walls, a larger kitchen, larger everything really, he had a peculiar collection of dark metallic items closed away in glass cases that she couldn’t quite make out the shape of or understand what exactly they were. 

 

“Sit” 

 

Mr Ren says, as much a command as it was a suggestion, and Rey crosses the plush carpet to sit on his  _ extremely comfortable _ couch. It had the look of suede but wasn’t quite as dry to the touch, it was the kind you could sleep on for weeks and not have a problem with it at all.

 

“You allergic to anything?”

 

She looks toward him, he’s snapping a hair elastic on his wrist as he watches her from over the kitchen counter.

 

“No, I’m not”

 

Ren nods to her and uses the band on his wrist to tie his hair in a loose ponytail. Meanwhile Rey takes in her surroundings, noting the exit before anything else, but also taking in the strange decorative tastes of her neighbour. 

 

Worn black items were a reoccurring theme. The sofa and lounge chairs were black, coffee table and shelves, all his dining chairs and table, curtains, the marble of his kitchen counters, all black. He had paintings hanged on his wall on unframed canvases, obscure landscapes of ash black tree branches on white snowy backgrounds, flashes of red, of blood, of fire and death. 

 

She was also very interested in the glass cases. Some things looked like carved stone while others were more like haphazardly welded bits of scrap metal. The largest item was particular and she swears she’s seen it before, a somewhat cross shaped cylinder with exposed wires and broken metal pieces.

 

_ where is this from _ …

 

Ren can be heard knocking around things in his kitchen, running water, opening his fridge ( _ which is unsurprisingly black as well).  _ He threw her glances every few seconds as if to assure she’s still there in the room with him.

 

“so…” Rey began as a slightly awkward air settled around the room “how long have you lived here? this flat looks comfortably lived in”

 

Ren considers her question, placing a pan on the  _ black _ glass stove top. “about five years now”

 

“Five years? whats your profession then?” 

 

“Im a teaching aide at a local university, you?”

 

“Studying engineering at D’quar Uni”

 

Ren huffs a small laugh and murmurs something, she can only really catch him saying “small world…” 

 

“is that the university you work at?” Her head tilts as she asks, and theres a slight twitch to Ren’s lower eyelid. He nods at her, and dark eyes trace the form of her long curled up legs that tuck against her butt on the couch. 

 

Ren kept himself busy, the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs, she can see him wipe a small bit of sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand thats flecked with flour. Theres something comfortably domestic about him in this setting, rather than the dominating and terrifying man in black.

 

* * *

 

Rey presses her delicate fingers to her lips in an attempt to stifle a drawn out moan.

 

She’d never tasted anything so  _ fucking good _ before in her life. Though the servings were in small portions spread on the plate each bite was delicious and reminded her of something far beyond her, like something she’d imagine sharing with a happy family in her youth that she prayed would happen one day.

 

Ren seats himself opposite her on his dining table with a steaming mug of coffee clutched in his large warm hands, he seems to be almost fixated on watching her eat, to which she felt honestly a bit self-conscious. 

 

The only thing stopping her from destroying this plate of food was the dark gaze across inked wood that made her skin burn.

 

“This is amazing” Rey praises him

 

“I know” he gives a small smirk that looks much too sure of himself as he takes a sip.

 

They sit in some kind of semi-comfortable and semi-uncomfortable silence, no more than the occasional sound of her knife and fork touching the ceramic plate or the quiet breaths from Ren. She couldn’t hold off the question that sat in the back of her mind though, and more importantly how to address it.

 

_ Why am i dreaming about you? why do my dreams feel so real when you’re involved?  _

 

_ how do you know my name. _

 

She holds the thoughts close and stares the mysterious man down, watching how his plush lips perched perfectly on the rim of his boring white coffee mug, if she focused well enough she can see that his tongue makes contact with the warm ceramic before his lips do.

 

“Youre staring at me” Ren speaks out, catching Rey ‘red handed’.

 

“Sorry you just.. remind me of someone”

 

“And you remind  _ me _ of someone”

 

Rey waited, the way he delivered it felt like he was going to follow it up with a really bad pickup line. But nothing came, just another extended stare from tired eyes. He seemed to follow up her questions and statements with very final answers.

 

The very thought reminded her. 

 

“Mr Ren. How is it that you know my name?”

 

His eyes widened for a moment and darted away, he purses his lips ( _ those gorgeous full lips) _ and sighed through his nose in a sound similar to a laugh. The corner of his mouth pulls up and the instance of his humour makes Rey anxious.

 

There is no response, and its obvious he’s trying to fabricate some kind of lie given the way he’s furrowing his brows and refusing to look at her, almost like a dog that had been caught doing the wrong thing and wants to avoid being shunned.

 

“Do you ever experience hallucinations Rey?” He begins.

 

_ yes, and you’re in them. _

 

“-Hallucinations or dreams even. They feel so real and lifelike but are so fantastical its clear its not reality” 

 

Reys eyes narrow at him, his fingers worry at his lip and his eyes dart towards her to read her expression. Nervousness. Anticipation. “It feels like you can predict the future, or that you’ve seen people before from false constructed ideas, or tell you truths that are just pieced together from instances you cant quite remember”

 

“what are you even saying?” Rey asks

 

“I heard your name in a vision, but perhaps I also overheard your friends say it and my brain constructed its own idea of where I learned it. Its a mental condition of sorts, or so my psychiatrist has deducted”

 

_ This guy is weird _ . He seems sure of himself that  _ however he heard her name _ can rationally be placed in his own life timeline, but that doesnt change the fact that what he spoke of initially makes more sense to her than the idea that he’d heard it from somewhere else. 

 

“But what if you  _ did _ hear it in your vision” Rey encourages. 

 

“Perhaps, But it would still make no sense given how little I know of you here”

 

“What was your vision?”

 

Rey feels like shes pressuring, but if what he says is something she can grasp, something that feels like it fits somewhere in between those weird frames of  _ visions  _ shes experienced since moving here, maybe she can finally understand just what is going on.

 

Mr Ren bites his lip. Those searching eyes again,  _ but is it fabricating or remembering? _

 

“I find someone out on a marble balcony, she looks like you, so so much like you, with beautiful brown eyes and the softest sunkissed skin. I called her name,  _ your name” _

 

He stares into her eyes, Rey had almost completely forgotten her meal as she stares back.

 

“I know you’d been with me for so long already, because the way you turned to me and smiled was like that of a loving wife. You were stunning, I dont know where we were but you were haloed by a violently red sun that set on a teal horizon. We were on a holiday..”

 

An image forced itself into Rey’s mind with an unbridled violence. Her brain throbbed and for a moment her neck went lax and she nearly dropped her head from her shoulders, it was  _ that pain _ from earlier, of her brain slowly beginning to melt.

 

“It was beautiful. You were beautiful. I remember approaching you and holding your little hips so tightly, and you gladly leaned against the balcony rails and opened yourself up to me”

 

* * *

 

_ Powerful arms encircle her, hands so large and so attuned to her every sensitivity caressed her, and with slow sureness exposed more of her tantalizing flesh as the man pushes her gown down her shoulders to pool at her waist. _

 

_ Dark hair brushes her chin, smelling of his musk and floral oils native to this planet, hes kissing hard marks down her neck, to her collarbones now, to taste the newly freed flesh of her breasts and down her quivering stomach.  _

 

_ She doesnt have to look at him to know who he is. Breathlessly she moans _

 

_ “Kylo” _

 

_ The man looks up to her with a gaze so wicked and seductive it should be illegal, deep brown eyes that demanded her body but with a gentleness that conveyed his adoration for her. The feeling was exciting, to be wanted so badly. _

 

_ Her thighs come up to squeeze Kylos hips, ankles pressing to his backside to urge him close to her, to press against her overheating core. He gladly grinds his erection against her, the sensation is thrilling and she arches her hips to press back. _

 

_ Those deft hands toy at the edge of her gowns slit leg partitions and casually tosses the fabric out of his way, He undoes the collection of buckles that encircle his waist and they clatter to his side. _

 

_ Kylos hand cups Reys chin, thumb tracing the soft lips that part with light pants, his other hand busies itself, freeing his cock and bringing himself close to trace the weeping head against her already dewy undergarments. The feeling of his hot member so close to her aching cunt was maddening and she pitifully whines for him to make love to her.  _

 

_ He hooks fingers into the fabric covering her moist core and simply moves it aside, not a second more is wasted before he plunges himself inside of her and fills her tightly with the spine tingling pleasure she’d only found at the mercy of his vigorous thrusting. _

 

* * *

 

Its a sensation both pleasing and utterly agonising, Rey cries out, something caught between a gasp and a yell. The burning feeling was back, the melting, constricting and painful, she lets out a sob now,  _ it hurts it hurts it hurts _ .

 

Large hands hold her shoulders and ease her to move, to stand and follow a hazy figure, but every step on her weak legs sends a shock of pure pleasure up her spine that encourages the pain to come back twofold. 

 

Something hits the back of her knees,  _ its soft _ she thinks, and the hands apply pressure to encourage her to sit. Rey’s vision is a mess, color is too much for her to process, on the lingering edge of her vision she swears she sees the beautiful teal horizon before its fogged over by the greys of this confusing room.

 

“..ood… Rey bab..e…. brea...h”

 

Words were spoken and the voice was so deep and vibrated in such a way that made her heart tremble, she reached out and gripped for the source desperately and came into easy contact with a formless being. So long as her hands were on it she’d feel ok.

 

Something is pushed onto her face above her lip,  _ more soft _ , and a warm massive hand brushes into her hair and cradles her skull till it comes to rest on a shoulder. Its still talking, still humming, and the ache in her skull is slowly ebbing to a gross slow throb. 

 

“Come on babe, youre doing so good… come back to me”

 

Things were making more sense the further her migraine gets from her, words make sense, if she opens her eyes she can vaguely make out the shapes of simple furniture thats close enough to her. Further items still a fuzzy mess.

 

“..Kylo?” Rey asks

 

_ Is it my Kylo? _

 

“...yes” the deep voice responds, the soothing hand gives her tresses a last brush of fingers before he pulls back. Looking at her with horrified eyes, such concern and worry, and love, and adoration, those pools of loving brown that she  _ remembers _ . 

 

“Kylo” she repeats again.

 

He presses the back of his hand to her forehead and hisses something under his breath about her temperature. Rey manages to piece together what she feels is correct, These were memories of something, she cant put her finger on where or how, but they were  _ memories.  _ And somehow these memories included her dark and scary neighbour in a very confusing setting.

 

“What was that?”  Rey asks him. 

 

Almost as if Kylo had been waiting for the answer he speaks soon after her “I like to think they are memories of a past life” 

 

“But that makes no sense...”

 

“I know it doesnt, But if yours and mine are the same can we really question it?” 

 

They sit quietly till rey moves her head up to look at him properly and she feels his hand drop away from her face, following it a sticky feeling of fabric peeling from her skin. In his hand is a severely bloodied handkerchief and she panics.

 

“ _ WHY AM I BLEEDING? _ ”

 

Kylo places the  _ unusable _ cloth behind him on his glass coffee table before lifting her chin to check for any damage on her face, even up her bloody nostrils and her gums despite her protests.

 

“What even happened to you, Rey? One second we are talking and then you go catatonic, hyperventilating, crying, and the nosebleed, is this normal for you?”

 

“Normal for me? Don’t you get this way too when you do… the thing?”

 

“ _ Remembering?  _ No! Thats not supposed to happen at all!”

 

His hands caress the tracks of what were once tears on her cheeks, rey decides she probably looks like a terrible mess but at this point shes too sore and tired mentally to care. 

 

“Im so sorry I did this to you…” Kylo speaks in a quieter voice now, as if hes scared he’ll scare her off or send her into another fit.

 

“Who even are you?”

 

“I think the universe wants you to find this out on your own”

  
All Rey could really construct of this was a solid fact.  _ In a life before this she hated a man, and that man hated her, in a world of space magic and laser swords, where she somehow fell in love with said man.  _ And that very man sits before her with traces of her blood on his fingertips and worried eyes consuming her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR READING THIS CHAPTER! <3
> 
> im trying my hardest to make the chapters long at the very least ; u ; any comments would be lovely even a hi!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a fear of thunder and lightning so she finds comfort and respite in Kylos apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iM SORRY IVE BEEN AWAY LOL PLEASE DONT KILL ME

It was awkward.

 

Since that long passed morning Rey and Kylo had been interacting at a minimum, neither of them actively sought out the other, though when their eyes met from across the hall or from the other side of the balcony they screamed to reach out and touch.

 

There was just small talk, nothing pressing, nothing prying too deep. How was your morning? Did you remember anything today? And just that. It was almost like one was avoiding the other but really Rey couldn't decide  _ who  _ was avoiding  _ who. _

 

Somehow Rey managed a whole week of peace and quiet in her mind and deducted that maybe she had just hallucinated the whole insane ordeal, unfortunately she may have jinxed herself.

 

She had felt something, a sensation like rough woven cloth dragged on the backs of her knuckles. It was raining outside and she thought for a moment,  _ It never rained like this back home _ , but what truly was home in her mind? What she pictured surely wasn’t the ramshackle redbrick house covered in moss, it was high rolling dunes of blinding pale sand and a nest amongst twisted metal.

 

It was her home from  _ that place _ . 

 

A home where it rained just one day of hundreds of others. Where she slaved in the hot sun for tasteless portions of rations from some strange man who looked like an elephant seal. She inwardly cringed at the memory, there was something about the flabby sweaty jowls of her alien trader that reminded her of her late uncle.

 

One thing she noticed in this instance though, it doesn't hurt, not like it usually did, when she remembered. No headaches, no shaking or blood, it just came to her like any regular memory. The new information passed her easily and settled into the back of her mind,  _ some memories don't hurt _ .

 

That is why Kylo was so concerned by her reaction.

She can understand his worry now.

 

Some part of her wants to ask him now if he’d ever had anything similar, but shes scared talking to him would bleed through another painful memory. The idea just settles to the back of her mind. Outside a clap of violent thunder shook the small windows of her apartment, it was enough to make her jump in place.

 

She really wasn't used to rain, it was scary how quickly the bright sun can be smothered with chilling angry clouds, at the very least it gives her a worthy reason to curl up on her couch with a thick blanket and watch something to keep her mind off the raging tempest outside.

 

All was fine, really, She found a random movie to watch about some bus driver who lost a book or something, honestly she didnt care so long as it kept her distracted. A box of chocolate chip cookies nestled in her lap as a source of ‘entertainment snacking’.

 

Rey would be somewhat mortified if anyone found out how she yelped and ducked her head into the blanket when lightning flickered outside and shook the image on her television.

 

_ Im a grown woman afraid of a little lightning. _

 

With the trickles of water came more trickles of memories, even the smallest flicker was a missing piece of a million part blank white puzzle. Running in the red rain of the desert, sticking her hand out to feel the cool droplets  _ and a foreboding tense pressure in her chest,  _ following a tired man out into a violent storm. 

 

Kylo Ren sitting in an open grassy field, soaked from head to toe but pleasantly complacent and refusing to budge. This time Rey feels a light thudding in her chest, only mildly painful or moreover uncomfortable. Like the heartache of rejection. She wanted to delve deeper into this memory.

 

Rey’s hazy eyes strayed from the flickering television to a near close as she repeated the memory over and over, willing it to show her something more.

 

* * *

 

_ “Ren!” _

 

_ Rey shouts amongst the light shower. It had been sunny just twenty minutes ago when Kylo had wandered out to breathe, but didnt return when the sky opened up. She could see him a few meters down the path from their residence, a dark figure resting cross legged in the long green grass. _

 

_ That idiot was going to catch his death. _

 

_ She steps out into the rain and tracks towards him, hes just sitting there with eyes closed and a light smile tugging his lips. He just hums to acknowledge her presence but doesnt open his eyes. _

 

_ “Meditating in the rain isnt good for your health” Rey starts with a sarcastic tone. _

 

_ He nods and smirks. “I’m simply enjoying the weather, My body is familiar with this, you on the other hand should go back inside” _

 

_ “Excuse you, my body is used to rain too” _

 

_ His eyes opened and he spared her a near taunting glance before closing them again. “Then sit with me” he challenges her. _

 

_ Rey pouts, ‘what a snide man’ she thinks, but she lowers herself to the ground, knees touching his, and stares at quiet face. Kylo’s breaths are steady, his hair now soaked and clumped in sagging curls that clung to the edges of his face, she has no idea how he can seem so serene when her teeth are clattering already. _

 

_ There was a light twitch to the corner of his mouth and she just  _ knows  _ he’s internally mocking her for her stubbornness. Rey glares, though he cant see her at all, and in an almost childish fit clasps her hands on the sides of his face and shakes him from his repose. _

 

_ Though her fingers are chilled his skin is still warm to the touch, albeit a bit dewy. He responds to her spite with laughter, somber brown eyes that glow with mirth and his cheeks tugging under her fingers. _

 

_ His smile is bashful and childish, unashamed to show his joy at poking her buttons.  _

_ Hes beautiful _

 

* * *

 

The world comes back to rey with a low rumble of thunder and suddenly she feels all too hot to be smothered under a thick blanket. She kicks it off in a rush taking with it the cooled mug of hot chocolate that had been resting on her coffee table.

 

She felt so damn  _ warm. _

 

It was flustering, heat that crawled up her neck, cupped her cheeks and left red traces on the tips of her ears. Blushing, this was blushing. She felt like a damn schoolgirl all over again. Frustrated she mopped up the spilled liquid with the edge of the blanket, it had already been stained with it so its not like it could get worse. Its not like this whole  _ day _ could get worse.

 

_ oh wait it can. _

 

As if she’d tempted gods hand the power suddenly cut out, followed by a clap of violent thunder. She ducks with eyes closed tightly and a startled scream. The room is suddenly very dark and almost too quiet, save for the eyrie glow of her smoke detectors red light, somehow it had gotten late between starting her movie and daydreaming about her neighbour. 

 

Rey tapped her phone to light the screen and it read 8:45pm. A text popped through to her as she held it in her hand, coming from Poe who lived twenty blocks away.

 

Poe   
_ DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT? _

 

Apparently something had happened, something important enough to warrant an all caps text. With concern she responds.   
  
Rey

_ No, but was it the reason why i cant see right now? _

 

Poe   
_ Something fell on the power substation down the block! There was fire and sparks everywhere _

 

Rey   
_ Just my damn luck. Make sure you keep Bebe indoors. _

 

Poe

_ Way ahead of you babe. _

 

His text was followed by a picture of Bebe practically cocooned on their couch with a mug clasped in their tiny hands. They werent going anywhere without Poe’s knowledge at least, the weird child having a dangerously adventurous spirit would have bolted for the door as soon as sparks flew.

 

Rey sighed a laugh and responded with her own picture. Even with the low lighting it was easy to make out Rey’s exaggerated upset face as she stares out the window. 

 

She was a little jealous honestly, It would be a lot easier to handle the storm and blackout if she had a friend or family member in here with her, someone to keep her mind off things or hide in the dark quiet of her room where the lighting cant get to her. 

 

Alas, the closest living thing to her was probably her weird neighbour, or the dying cactus on her kitchen windowsill, she feels the cactus would probably be less awkward and ‘prickly’ to spend time with but a conversational partner is a partner nonetheless.

 

She pads to her bedroom in the dark, tripping slightly on discarded shoes till she meets the sliding glass door and parts it barely an inch to breath deeply. There wasnt any scent of smoke, just thick earthy rain, so he wasnt outside enjoying the weather like she’d expected him to be.

 

_ Especially given the memory she recovered _ .

 

A slight chill swept over her through the small gap, and in the confusing dark Rey managed to drag one of her sweaters from inside the closet and throw it on, it felt backwards, but she honestly couldnt see to tell anyway.

 

More thunder sounded.  _ Just ask if you can sit and talk a bit. _

 

With her phone clasped in one trembling hand Rey crossed the short hall between her front door and his. Kylo Ren,  _ Jedi killer _ , no, Just a Teachers assistant who lives across from her. No more and no less, if that life behind them was truly real it shouldnt have much of an impact on how they interact now.

 

Her knuckles rap on his door quickly, and she impatiently repeats herself twice over while waiting for an answer. His footsteps are heavy and so loud she could hear him cross one side of his room to the next, and when he pulls open the door she can see he has a littering of candles about the livingroom.

 

He looks tired.

 

“Um… Hi” Rey begins, and a look of exasperation crosses his face before he drags a palm over his features.

 

Kylo responds “good evening, Rey. What do you need?”

 

_ Maybe now isnt a good time.. Shit shit shit. _

 

“Uh. well you see, the thing is I” she fumbled over her words under his sharp eyes “T-the power went out and Im kind of… afraid of storms”

 

The man gives her a drawn out look before sighing and stepping back, gesturing for her to come inside. Rey skittered in with her head ducked, she feels like shes imposing on him, and he clearly seems out of sorts. But maybe hes just tired.

 

“How old are you?” He asks from behind her as he paces close behind. She notices the sound of his footsteps are much quieter right now, intentionally light.

 

“Um.. 19, why?” 

 

Kylo’s mouth dents, considering her response, “Arent you a little old to be afraid of storms?”

 

“No! I grew up bordering the desert, its unnatural and scary!” her voice takes on a slightly whining tone and her accent slips in a bit thickly.

 

He simply scoffs at her and returns to his couch where she assumes he had been prior, she follows suit, but takes a seat in one of the single armchairs opposite him. Theres a dogeared book beside him and a folded pair of sleek black glasses off to he side, he must have been reading before the power cut out. 

 

“Have you eaten yet?” Kylo asks

 

“Yeah, im good”  _ if you count ‘eaten’ as ‘demolished a whole box of cookies’ then yes. _

 

He makes a noise of acknowledgement and raises his legs to cross over on top of his shiny glass coffee table,  _ hes wearing mismatched socks?, _ head leaning over the backrest of the couch and giving her a detailed view of his strong neck in the candle light.

 

“I apologise, haven’t much to offer you for entertainment without electricity”

 

“I dont mind”

 

“There are repairs beginning already at the damage site, electricity should be up and running again in twelve hours at most, five if were lucky”

 

Rey nodded along though he wasnt watching her, his tired eyes just stared off into the distance. They settled into a somewhat comfortable silence, though rey felt the urge to just talk to pass the time or fill the awkward air, but Kylo just seemed really… odd.

 

“Um… if now is a bad time…” she begins, already preparing to lift herself from the couch.

 

He shoots up at this, reaching over to place his  _ so very large  _ hand on top of hers, eyes urging, begging almost, for her to not go. “I am fine, Im sorry, my medication is just taking effect right now and im a bit... distracted”

 

_ Medication? What could he need medication for? _

 

“Y’know what?” Kylo rose to his feet again leaving no room for a response from Rey, he walked to his kitchen and opened the fridge, no light shone through, no power, but she heard the clinking of what appears to be a bottle of wine.

 

“The earlier this month you had a party, I dunno if you remember but you technically invited me over for a drink. May as well do so here.” He collected two fine glasses from the cabinet above one of the countertops. 

 

He lifts the bottle to read it slightly better in a close candle light before turning to her again. “Red?”

 

Rey nods,  _ sure _ , shes had red wine before, she can barely remember the last time she touched it save for a small sip or two from Rose’s glass during her party. He pours out the glasses and returns to her, handing her one and sitting with much more attention to her than he had moments ago.

 

Its still nice and cool even with the refrigerator being powerless, and its slightly sweet to taste. Kylo watches her take her first sip, eyes smoldering, and lingers on her lips when her tongue darts out to collect the red dew left on them. 

 

His own lips purse. 

 

If anything, she felt nervous but pleasantly relaxed at the same time, Kylo wasnt outwardly menacing and treated her kindly but in the back of her mind shes ready to jump to her feet and bolt if he did anything. 

 

The way he follows her every movement with his eyes makes the hairs on her neck raise.

 

“Um so… do you like rain?” Rey tried for small talk to ease the atmosphere

 

Mr Ren made a hum of acknowledgment. “Used to appreciate it more, nowadays I haven’t much time to really soak in it without damaging important papers between classrooms”

 

“You liked rain.. Um,  _ back then _ as well?” She wasnt too sure what kind of tense she should use, or what she should even refer to it as, a past life? Another story? In the future or the past?

 

Something passed over his expression, eyes flinching just the slightest bit wider.  _ Was he remembering? _ “Yeah.. i guess i did” he doesnt look uncomfortable, but he definitely seems a little reluctant to touch the topic. 

 

“Do you remember more than I do?” Rey insists

 

He swirls the wine in his glass, still untouched, and swallows back everything, not even taking a moment to savor the taste. With a sigh he places the empty glass down on the coffee table and turns his whole body to face her, already bridging Rey’s personal space barrier.

 

“I  _ remember _ almost everything” the way he spoke of it sounded venomous, “I have spent the past thirteen years of my life on medication because psychiatrists assumed i suffered delusions, hallucinations, and psychosis” 

 

_ A sensitive subject _ .

 

“Just imagine how fucked it has been to realise suddenly that all this time I was right? Everything I went through was all for nothing! I’ve compartmentalised all those memories and shoved them on high shelves i cant reach and now  _ you  _ of  _ all people in the universe _ falls right into my fucking lap”

 

“Im sorry?”  _ what am I supposed to say to him? _

 

“No you're not, you have no reason to be. You barely know who I am, or who I was”

 

Rey draws into herself, Hes suddenly gotten so defensive, but even when raising his voice he doesnt seem to be showing aggression. Hes like a cold stormfront, clouds of darkness that dont show an inkling of intention till everything spills out. 

 

“.. Of everyone I knew, and know now, none of them have remembered” 

 

_ Oh.. _ Rey thinks for a moment, what a lonely existence this man must have held up till now. She only remembers small fractions of that life, he knows so much more, the feeling of seeing a familiar face and the excitement that follows, and then the crushing weight of an entire lifetime spent with this person they dont even remember. She couldnt even fathom it.

 

“Just me” She confirms.

 

“Just you”

 

_ “ _ Was I important to you?” Rey wants to know, even if it gives her another migraine. Its just such a curious situation they have, and her heart is helpless in the presence of someone so… fragile like herself.

 

He didnt even miss a beat following her. “God, Rey, Incredibly so” His hands came to rub at his face for a moment, as if he could massage the stress and tiredness out of his skin. “And im Impatient, I want you to see everything but watching you freak out like the other week was… harrowing” 

 

“You didnt have anything like I did when you remembered?”

 

Kylo stays silent for a few minutes. As if he was searching his own depths to find out. She wonders if its harder to remember what happens in this world, or if memories get lost amongst others. If you lose whole chunks of mind space one day that are never recoverable.

 

“I dont.. Think so” he still sounded unsure. “It used to make me cry a lot in my youth, thats as much as i can remember from those times”

 

_ Is he intentionally forgetting? _

 

Another silence settles over them, Rey takes a queue to drain her glass and Kylo takes them back to refill, this time just a tad more than last, but this time he nurses his drink with longer sips, actually enjoying himself.

 

It puts Rey at ease.

 

They begin talking about things outside of their odd  _ bond _ . Rey’s plans for study and classes, and the relative classes Mr Ren will be attending. She finds for half a semester he will be piloting her class on physics despite him not knowing much about it. He motioned towards a stack of books on his dinner table he apparently had to study.

 

“I majored in biological studies, its nothing similar to physics at all. Shit, sometimes even physics isn’t really physics, it just does what it wants”

 

Rey snorts into the wineglass, midway through her drink getting caught in a laugh, shes lucky she didnt inhale anything. “I bet somewhere out there theres a planet that rains upwards” she states sarcastically.

 

“But there is!” Kylo affirms “You’ve been there, you’ll see it, the sky is purple and your hair was short, you refused to mount a cavestalker because it ‘didnt have enough legs’”

 

* * *

 

_ It was an ugly milky blue creature with a brown leather saddle, Only three legs but each hinged in four places and tipped with several sharp claws. She didnt want to look at it scrunched up face, a nightmarish mix between an english bulldog and an owl with ears that stretched far to its sides for optimal hearing. _

 

_ “Shes a beauty, isnt she” Kylo teases, running a gloved hand over the strong shoulder of the hideous beast. _

 

_ “Your kidding right?” _

 

_ “Its only to cross the canyon, the electromagnetism there is too strong for my ship” _

 

_ “Cant you find one with more legs?” _

 

_ “Any more than three and it’d be considered defective, they slaughter the runts and mutants else they’ll endanger the herd or die pitifully in the chasm” _

 

_ Rey sighs and scratches the back of her head, hair now barely passing the tips of her ears. “Fine, but im complaining the whole time” _

 

* * *

 

Rey remembered clearly. The backs of her eyes throbbed but there was no other pain, no blood, her eyes met Kylo’s and she smiled lightly. 

 

“They were horrible to look at” 

 

His response was to smile back, a childish peek of teeth that he hurriedly covered with a hand. This was probably his first time ever talking to someone who  _ remembered _ with him, the first time someone didnt look at him as if he’d spoke in tongues.

 

“I thought it was pretty cute” he bit back.

 

“Dont you lie to me, you enjoyed making me suffer”

 

“Aah. you got me”

 

Their banter came almost naturally, there was something familiar about it that made her feel warm. His grin was still playing at his cheeks and she remembered back to her earlier memory of his playful teasing smile in the downpour, that beautiful smile.

 

Her heart hammers in her chest. 

 

_ I was someone important to Kylo. He must have been important to me.  _ She can even remember their intimate moment that felt like just one of many many others. For a moment she had entirely forgotten the  _ other _ Kylo. The dark, painful, powerful man in black who demanded her subservience. 

 

_ When did he change. _

 

* * *

 

Rey’s eyes open slowly to the increasing light in the room, a sunrise peeking through the blinds and warning her of a new day. There wasnt a single cloud left in the sky. 

 

She was also definitely not in her own bed. The sheets were red and black, and so plush she thought for a moment she was being smothered by hundreds of baby rabbits. She rolled over and nuzzled her face into the pillows, they smelled vaguely of wood and smoke.

 

_ kylo  _

 

_ This is Kylos bed. _

 

Quickly she sits upright and looks around, no one was around, off to her right she saw the glass door leading to Kylo’s side of the balcony held slightly ajar and the obvious scent of cigarettes. He was probably out there.

 

She crawls out of the sheets and notices shes pantsless, but at least shes still wearing her shirt. Cautiously and slowly she slides the door open and steps out onto the cool tiles of the balcony, lo and behold, Her neighbour hangs lazily against the balcony railing, cigarette held between his lips, and did she mention, exceptionally shirtless.

 

There was a littering of scar tissue across his skin, his back with a long large gash, and arms covered in very precise and practiced scar lines. She knows those lines. Shes been there. But none of his are fresh, all have healed over with a slight bulge of pinkened flesh.

 

Rey clears her throat. “Um, g’morning” she offers. 

 

He nods over his shoulder and grunts.  _ Maybe hes not a morning person. _

“Hows your sleep?” he asks

 

“I dont even remember falling asleep if im being honest”

 

“You did drink quite a bit of wine, gonna throw up?”

 

She shakes her head and he catches it watching over his shoulder. He finally turns and faces her, crossing his arms over his chest and staring with droopy eyes. But  _ good lord LOOK AT HIM _ .

 

Rey had to swallow whatever was crawling up her throat and had to strain her eyes away from his body. She hadn’t seen a man so well built in well… ever.  His eyes reflect something she doesnt understand when he catches her eyes after she’d gotten a generous peek of his exposure.

 

She half expected him to come up with a cheesy  _ ‘like what you see’  _  line but he never delivered. Just watched, and drew smoke from his cigarette with slow motions.

 

“Um. i think i should go back to my apartment”  _ please stop staring at me _ .

 

“No”

 

“I’ll talk to you som- Im sorry what?” She was a little taken aback.

 

“I said no” 

 

Standing awkwardly Rey swayed on her feet, casting her eyes towards the glass door leading out, but Kylo was already making his way to her, cig left burning on the ledge where he left it. Strong arms blocked her in, and his massive frame towered over her as he invaded her personal space.

 

“You told me some very interesting stories last night, Rey” he began “you are lucky Im a man with restraint”

 

_ Oh lord what did I do _ .

 

“That can be a subject of conversation for another day though my dear. For now, I need you to do something for me” Rey bit her lip and looked up into his eyes. It appears she may have tempted fate a bit too much. “Ive added my own number to your phone, I want to keep track of your memories, you will contact me when you remember something new”

 

_ That was a bit anticlimactic. I thought he was going to…. _

 

He closes the short gap between them without warning and presses his lips against hers, he tastes of something dangerous but lets him continue because that danger is something shes been  _ craving _ . Kylo pulls away all too soon though, dragging his teeth over her lower lip before withdrawing completely.

 

“Think you can do that for me, sweetheart?” 

 

Rey, in such a haze that made her legs week, nodded to him despite her bewilderment. He returns her a smirk and a hand reaching to grope at her hip. “Good girl”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters gonna be nsfw >:3c  
> If you wanna contact me at all my Twitter is @ViscousMutt <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey reflects some more on her memories and bumps into a slightly worse-for-ware Kylo at the 7/11
> 
> (also Rey vividly remembers some p good sex like right in the middle of a conversation)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a man of struggles and bad writing. my virgin ass doesnt know how to do a sex scene but I TRIED FOR YOU
> 
> Also small context note from a bit down this page:  
> A Chiko roll is an australian delicacy, a tasty deep fried roll of delicious goodness that are fantastic at like midnight from your local servo when youre blind drunk and walking home

She was just Rey.

 

A Nobody from Nowhere, Nowhere being a barren desert planet in the middle of fuck off nowhere, she was a scavenger who’d rip parts out of downed air ships and crashed ‘all terrain armored transports’ to trade for measly tasteless meals.

 

She was abandoned as a child, or so she thinks, her parents being two wandering good-for-nothings who couldn’t afford to keep her, but she was an asset worth a hefty few dollars when traded into slave work.

 

She was nothing, she came from nothing. Her parents were no one, and if she hadn’t left that planet she would have died a no one as well.

 

Over the proceeding weeks Rey had recovered a lot of her past life’s youth, as well as some bits and pieces here or there in an indistinguishable place of the timeline. In some she isnt aware Kylo even exists, in others he’s right by her side, in one he’s facing her in complete rage with a flaming blade in hand, roaring like a beast and prepared to take her down even if it kills him.

 

Its memories of him like this that settle a feeling of terror in her belly. Clearly whoever Kylo  _ was _ in that life was a force to be reckoned with, the man with the boyish cute smile and smothering erotic eyes, the one who made her chest  _ unbearably  _ tight, was once her incredibly violent and terrifying adversary. 

 

She wants to know at what point does he change from this beast to her lover. But the more she tries to settle on it and the more she tries to force the memory out the worse the pounding in her head gets.

 

Rey shakes her head to dislodge her train of thought, It was okay to reflect on them every once in a while, after all they are a new and  _ very concrete _ part of her life now, but she had shit to do. Her classes begin again in a few days and she needed to get a good read on her new schedule.

 

Her textbooks were already stacked high on the small dining table with brightly coloured tabs sticking out of them, pre-class study had already been used to distract her wandering mind for some periods of the days prior. 

 

She’d only need to attend her afternoon classes which luckily leaves her open in the mornings to continue her normal routine of morning jogs and the 2 hour feat of actually getting out of bed. She learned that Kylo’s classes were between 2pm and 5pm, with some openings before that for him to get whatever else done that he needs. He wont be taking the reigns of the Physics class for a few months but he was stressed about it.

 

Her clock beeps at her, 9:30pm,  _ god i haven’t even had dinner yet _ . She’s bad at keeping on top of things. Theres always one little thing she forgets to take care of that can snowball by bedtime, shutting her laptop she decides to go the lazy route and just buy two of the remaining Chiko rolls from the 7/11 on the corner. 

 

Slipping on her sneakers and tucking her apartment keys into her pocket she headed out. The night air is brisk and she regrets not putting on a second sweater or something before leaving because apparently one just isnt enough. She passes the familiar sights on the way to the store, someone has finally painted over a lazy and ugly spray paint tag on the outside wall of their neighbour building.

 

The blanket pile belonging to a homeless man she hasn’t seen in weeks has been folded neatly for once with a bottle of water on top of it. She doubts he will be back, but whoever did this was a kind heart regardless. Rey coos at some dogs tethered to a telephone pole outside the nail salon and wiggles her fingers at them, clearly wanting to pet them but not having the time or permission.

 

Honestly she loves the liveliness of the streets even at this time of night, something was always happening, always a new addition or change to the scenery every time she steps out. So much more alive than her past home that died once the clock hit 6pm and all the stores closed at the same time.

 

She stepped into the 7/11 and was greeted straight away by the younger worker of the little convenience store, the kind one she spoke with the first time she moved in. She replied to him with a smile and curt wave before heading towards the glass cabinet of warm pastries and hot food.

 

Her token Chiko’s were in the back of the cabinet and probably hours old by now but she didn’t care, a good meal is a good meal and she’s convinced herself that this is a rational choice because they  _ technically _ have some vegetable content so its not 100% unhealthy.  _ only about 80% unhealthy.  _

 

_ But oh… those look good too.  _ There were pies and bread rolls covered in sweet glazes and brightly coloured donuts. Her sweet tooth was starting to shake her, chattering incessantly about all the tasty treats. Maybe coming here on an empty stomach was a bad idea because she has half the mind to just  _ buy everything _ and see where that leads her.

 

As she browses she can overhear the small ‘beep’ of another person entering the store but paid no mind to it till she heard a loud slam of this persons hands hitting the countertop.

 

“Twenty pack of Marlboros, blue. Now.”

 

She knows that voice, deep and constantly tired. Kylo was here, she turned to face towards him to see a complete surprise. He had obviously gotten into a fight. There was a large deep bruise already beginning to bloom on his left cheekbone and a bloody split in the skin between his forehead and left temple.

 

“Kylo?” Rey asks cautiously.

 

He looks towards her with those dark, dark eyes, they’re angry, bloodshot, whoever he’d fought with surely gave him a hard hit, but from the looks of Kylo’s hands he probably landed a few shiners as well.

 

“Hi” His voice is deeper than usual. As he turns to her she can see the dried flow of blood from his cut reflect from the fluorescent lights of the store, he needed a clean up really badly.

 

The timid boy at the register hands over a pack of cigarettes and he tosses a small handful of notes at him to pay for it, he probably already knows how much it will be given how much he smokes anyway.

 

Not sparing another glance back at her Kylo begins to stalk out of the building, and the cashier seems relieved for his ominous presence to be leaving. “Kylo wait!” Rey calls out after him and follows close behind, delicious chikos sadly forgotten.

 

Hes already ripping the pack open and lighting up his smoke, theres a light tremble to his fingers that hold the lighter and she can see more crusted blood along his knuckles and the tips of his fingers.  _ Just what the actual fuck happened? _ .

 

“what happened to you?”

 

Kylo takes a very deep drag and leans against one of the glass windows outside the 7/11, blows his smoke out the side of his mouth to avoid getting it in her face, so at least he’s being considerate.

 

“Some asshole thought he was being funny so I fucking punched him”

 

She could hear the anger in his voice, he was still quite wound up about it obviously, and his other hand flexes at his side continuously balling into a fist and flicking his fingers out, the dried blood cracking along the fingers.

 

He takes down the cigarette quickly, every pull was deep enough to see his eyes water at the strain till it was done. He dropped it on the concrete ground and stomped it out with his boot before lighting up a new one, he was on a chain from the stress.

 

“youre covered in blood, are you sure it was  _ you  _ who did the damage here?”

 

“it may have sparked into a fight from there, not many guys appreciate a fist to the face”

 

“we need to get you cleaned up”

 

“gimme a minute”

 

Rey waits for him to finish off his second cigarette, this time he takes a moment to let himself calm down with it. Very soon his lids grew slightly heavy and his pupils grew just that tad bit wider.

 

He’d calmed down sufficiently.

 

“Time to go home” Rey speaks again, and Kylo nods. They walk together in silence back to the apartment building, and she can feel him simmering beside her in a pool of heat. He’s still thinking about it, whatever it was.

 

Even the ride up in the elevator was quiet, she could only really hear his deep breathing. He bypasses his own apartment and follows her to her own front door,  _ I guess were going into my place? _

 

“Im coming over”   _ no shit _ .

 

She lets him in the door and he makes a b-line for her sofa. He’s already shedding his jacket and dumping it next to him, followed by his shirt and  _ oh my goodness theres more than i thought _ . 

 

He has some small little marks of fresh blood on his chest, two little punctures on his abdomen that didn’t seem too deep, and another three slashes in the same area. It was probably more than an average fight, someone clearly had a weapon.

 

“What the fuck happened!” She asks again. 

 

“Ok look I…” 

 

“youre lucky you didn’t get seriously injured!” 

 

“Im fine, i just need some..”

 

“What were you even thinking!”

 

“REY!”

 

Kylo grabs her by her biceps and holds her in place, She’d began pacing in thought and fretting over him, haphazardly collecting all the little bits and pieces she may need to ‘fix’ him. Bandages and bandaids, sterilising balm, the works. She was clearly not used to taking care of someone with knife wounds at the very least.

 

She looks at him, stupefied, and he can feel the simmering anger in him swirling like a vortex. “You need to calm down. I’m  _ Fine!  _ this happens all the time” 

 

“ _ All the time?!”  _ She asks in a whining tone.

 

Kylo’s hold on her shakes a little, her voice sounds piercing to him. Theres still too much build up in him that he hadn’t gotten out, things were irritating, the light, the sounds, the franticness of Rey’s pacing.

 

_ stop stop stop stop shut up. _

 

“You need to be quiet just… shh” 

 

He lets her go and she stays in place, eyes wide and cautious, following his movements as Kylo lets himself back down on the couch, wincing slightly as his wounds stretch, and closes his eyes to breath. 

 

She watches him tense over and over.

 

* * *

 

_ Fists clenching repeatedly, breath heavy, she watches his biceps tense with every stressed movement. He’d had a fight with his second in command, luckily it hadn’t gotten physical but it was not far from it, In a burst fit of rage Kylo had force tossed him across the room and stormed out.  _

 

_ Usually his arguments end that way and leaves no room for further discussion. _

 

_ He’d already tried to exert some of his pent up frustration by beating the ever loving life out of a sandbag in one of the many First order training rooms, but really it just left him half dressed, sweating, and red knuckled. _

 

_ Rey watches him pace from her seat on their bed. He does this often, he growls, snarls, complains, walks in circles and tugs his hair till his frustration boils over, like a caged lion with nothing more to do than let his underlying anger simmer and fan the flames. She’d wait till the ‘pot’ was just shy of overflowing before stepping in and tiring his poor body out. _

 

_ Then it’s back to good old kylo. Only a little less angry but more in control of his anger. _

 

_ “He has no idea how the force even works! A whole fuckin’ planet? He cant be serious, does he think im a god?” He clenches his teeth and forces out a deep growl. “Hes an idiot! A complete waste of his position!”  _

 

_ Rey cant help but to sneak in a little giggle at his current disposition. He was so frustrated and the tips of his ears were turning red, his scowl was so deep he was almost closing his eyes. He didnt know how… kinda cute he seemed when he was this pent up. _

 

_ “Whats so funny?” he growls _

 

_ “Its not funny its just... “ _ __  
_  
_ __ “Just what?!” 

 

_ “You look attractive when youre mad is all” _

 

_ His expression changes for a moment, flicking to almost shock before a twitch in his eye brings him back to a scowl. His lips pout but she can see the glitter of something else in his eyes. He closes in on her, his presence radiating irritance and power and something very dominant. She knows hes practically struggling to keep his intentions out of his very expressive eyes, and the glimmer of arousal is all she needed from his deep brown pools before she lay herself out before him. _

 

_ It was bound to go this way in the end anyway. It always does. _

 

_ With a guilty grin Rey begins to tease him. “You tense up so much when youre mad, your strong arms, your jaw..” she trails off as he leans over the top of her, he lets her fingertips drag up along the underside of his jaw to encourage him to come close, face to face with her.  _

 

_ Though angry, though seething, he is compliant like a dog and follows her lead. He knows she will take care of him, shes done so many times before, like a sponge that draws out every lingering feeling of anger in his being and replaces it with warm complacency.  _

 

_ Kylo sighs heavily, with just the touch of her fingers he feels his mind blank out and it fills with nothing but her, just like she wanted. Rey’s lips skim over his as she whispers to him. “Good boy, come here, shhh” like she’s coaxing a timid dog to her side.  _

 

_ His muscles shake from the exerted effort to crawl on top of her, maybe he had gone harder on that punching bag than he’d thought, but he feels so calm already to have her beckoning him like his, legs now parting by his hips and pulling him forward with encouraging ankles locked behind his thighs.  _

 

_ He will not press forward without her permission, not in this state, because she holds his reins now and will have his rage-fuelled energy utilised however she sees fit. _

 

_ So when she threads her dainty fingers in his hair and brings him down to her mouth he knows thats where she wants it and he kisses her with ferocity. His tongue delves past her teeth and is desperate to taste every bit of her, her own tongue weakly moves with his own but soon relaxes and lets him do as he pleases. _

 

_ Her lips receive a littering of bites and she knows hes drawn blood, she tastes iron, but hes kissed her numb and honestly she does not care. It only takes a small tug to Kylo’s hair before he knows to pull away and wait her next direction.  _

 

_ Both their eyes meet, dewy and lidded, pupils blown wide, and Rey sends him another playful smile that diffuses him. She cranes her neck to the side and brings him forward again, hand still tightly gripped in his hair like a leash, and he begins to nip the skin along her jaw and delicate neck. _

 

_ She unclips the belt at her waist and her tunic falls open with it, the draped fabric pooling to her sides and exposing herself completely to him, a whole expanse for him to devour. She melts into the sensation of his aggressive lips, teeth, and tongue, ravishing her delicate skin. She can already picture herself in the aftermath and the blazing trail of deep red marks that will trail down her body. _

 

_ He delivers a particularly painful bite just above her left breast that surely drew blood, she lets out a part yelp - part moan, that only seemed to encourage his actions. He takes his time with her breasts, his more favored part obviously, lavishing her supple flesh and drawing soft cries from his woman.  _

 

_ He adores her sharp breaths, the way she arches her spine when he skims his teeth over her nipple. He couldn’t restrain his own deep groan of pleasure when her legs tightened around his waist, her own hips undulating and dragging her exposed core against his clothed member.  _

 

_ “Kylo” Rey sighs his name so sweetly, her tight fingers unlacing from his hair and instead drag blunt nails across his shoulders, he hisses through his teeth because its just  _ so wonderful _ to be at her mercy. When he looks up at her from his position of reverence shes staring at him with such powerful eyes, commanding, he knows what she wants just from the flutter in her eyelids, or her stuttering breaths that quiver those kiss bruised lips. _

 

_ “Say it” Kylo needs her word. He needs her  _ command _. Lest everything hes pent up keels over and he loses himself. “Say it please” _

 

_ But she shows him no mercy, just a taunting giggle and delicate hands that clasp behind his neck to drag him back face to face. Her hands are a collar, an obedience collar, because her nails bite into his skin pleasantly but bordering on something discomforting. She nips at his lower lip. _

 

_ “You’re like a child, Kylo” she uses words she knows will sting, but delivers them in such a breathless and erotic voice that it confuses his mind and keeps his flame fed. “Needs directions always. A mindless husk” _

 

_ She knows how to rile him up and relishes in the near pained growl he snarls at her. Those teasing brown eyes show no fear, just their knowing glimmer of mirth at the expense of pushing his buttons. She wants him mad. _

 

_ “Take some initiative for once in your life and  _ fuck me _ ” _

 

_ Her words are defined with a jostling shake of her grip around the back of his neck. The words were spoken, abiding by the unspoken rule between them, and Kylo gladly allows his frustration to overflow into his movements. _

 

_ He all but tore his pants past his hips, one hand finding purchase tightly gripped to Reys bicep while the other positioned himself to her dripping entrance, when they fuck like this he has no need to check for her to be ready, there's something about her power play that makes her undoubtedly wet and desperate for him. _

 

_ His beautiful jedi mewls, head thrown back and jaw slack when he fills her in one swift thrust, bottoming out and pushing up into parts she’d only really discovered spending nights with him. Thighs quivered against his hips, struggling to find a balanced perch, before he began roughly thrusting into her. _

 

_ The force of his thrusts alone was enough to shake the solid form of his bed (which Rey was sure was a solid structure built into the wall and floor). It left her breathless, leaving barely any room for her to moan when she feels Kylo’s teeth clamp onto her shoulder and leaving deep welts in the flesh. _

 

_ Hands continuously finding new places to grip on her body, her arms, her ribs, her surely bruised hips, he hooks one of her legs up over his shoulder and the new angle makes her see stars, his cock hitting deep and shocking her with pleasure every time. _

 

_ Kylo’s heavy pants mix with a string of curses and mumbles of her name, a personal hymn that pitches the closer he gets to his climax. Rey can feel him shaking from the strain and her own body is growing just as exhausted from the onslaught of rough fucking.  _

 

_ Long, knowing fingers snake their way to the apex of her thighs, massaging into the soft flesh just outside where they joined. It seemed to amplify the sensations, the tight pulls of his cock dragging out of her before slamming back in, it was dizzying, and she all but cried when Kylo’s sinful digits sought out her clit, circling it with a torturous pace. _

 

_ Sometimes she believes he is truly  _ evil. _ No man should have a touch like this, handle such raw aggressive power, and bring her to a shaking mess so easily. But gods be damned if it wasn’t worth it every time.  _

 

_ “Oh kriff! Kylo! I- I-”  _

 

_ Rey’s voice is a near whining pitch, barely any breath left in her to speak, but knowing he was drawing such sounds of exhaustion from her was enough for him. He wanted to work her out before himself, anticipating the pleasant vice-like throbbing around his member that he so desperately needed.  _

 

_ “Come for me” He groans right to her ear “I want to feel your little cunt cum on my cock” _

 

_ His words were dirty, sinful,  _ evil, _ but so so powerful. She seizes up, leg tightening on his hip while the other twitches at his shoulder, Hands raking desperate nails down Kylo’s spine as she comes with a final thrust. Head thrown back in a silent scream of his name. _

 

_ She feels a blinding whiteness pass her vision for a fleeting moment before she comes back to ‘earth’ to feel Kylo’s ferocious pace crescendo and he comes with a howl into the juncture of her neck and shoulder.  _

 

_ Utterly exhausted, the two collapse against each other in a panting hot mess. _

 

* * *

 

Rey stumbles in place, her knees practically giving out beneath her, but she braces herself on the coffee table before her till the world stops spinning around her. The memory comes without pain, but this time leaves her limbs tingling and a noticeable wetness in her panties that she wasn’t prepared for.

 

The only memory she had even close to something so  _ erotic _ was that one Kylo had forced into her mind weeks ago when they first discussed their… situation. It was somewhat disturbing to say the least, to have such realistic and vivid memory of having incredibly visceral and rough sex with a man she just barely knew.

 

When her eyes met back with Kylo she recognised  _ that look _ . Dark pupils that eclipsed his golden brown irises, somewhere beneath the surface was a flame as strong as the last incarnation, just as virulent, and hypnotising.

 

“Are you ok?” he asks, and the timbre of his voice had dropped just enough for her to notice.  _ He’d seen it too _ .

 

“Uh-” Rey then notices her own thickness of voice, clears her throat and continues “Y-yeah I’m fine, It just… came out of nowhere”

 

It was obvious that Kylo wasn’t anywhere as embarrassed about the situation as Rey was, she was hesitant to hold eye contact where he sought it, she felt her ears burn with a blush while he confidently sat unaffected. She wondered just how many times he’d been hit with such…  _ inappropriate _ memories without warning and had just learned to keep composure. 

 

“If it’s any consolation” He offered, beginning to worry at the split skin on his knuckles. “After all of that I have more or less calmed down”

 

He had the audacity to say that with a small smirk on his lips.

 

_ Bastard.  _

 

This man was  _ exhausting.  _ Rey huffed a frustrated sigh and dragged her hands down her face, taking a moment to rub at her eyes that felt as if she’d just woken from a deep sleep. It seemed that her weariness was entertaining to Kylo because his small smirk became a smaller chuckle, but the sound vibrated around her skull so mockingly, but so familiar, her heart couldn’t find a place to be mad.

 

So she let herself have her own small laugh.

 

Or maybe a long one.

 

Surely she seemed hysterical, it was the kind of laugh powerful enough to make you fold over and grasp at your aching ribs because the exertion on your abdominal muscles was just a bit too much. 

 

Rey laughed because she doesn’t know what to do and her brain panicked. She laughed because her life has been so strange for the past month, because she’s been jumping at shadows and seeing strange monstrous creatures in her dreams, because her friends are almost the exact same between this life and the last and shes barely come to terms that there even was a life prior to this one.

 

Kylo on the other hand was enjoying her fit, relaxed back on the couch with his eyes never moving from her doubled over form. He’s used to this, he’s done it before himself, it was new to see it happen to someone else, and granted hes watching the person hes been longing for since forever go through this. 

 

At the very least he allows himself a moment to indulge in someone else's  _ hysteric suffering _ .

 

* * *

 

Rey calmed herself easily after the laughing fit, and managed to assist Kylo with disinfecting his knuckles with tears fresh in her eyes. He hisses when the alcohol soaked cotton ball skims over his raw wound.

 

“Suck it up princess, you’ve had worse” Rey snarks at him. Somewhere in her mind remembering the image of a dark cloaked and  _ very pissed off _ Kylo being shot in the side with a lazer blast.

 

Yeah, hes had worse.

 

“Youre being intentionally rough with me” He bites back

 

“Maybe a little”

 

“Are you mad about the sex thing because that wasnt my doing”

 

She slapped him on the back of the hand for even _mentioning_ it, and worse yet calling it ‘the sex thing’ because _how old was he? 12?_ Of course it wasnt him, it just happened unexpectedly and now makes her much too aware of where his eyes are, of how warm his hands are, or how it feels to have his thigh pressed close to hers while dabbing blood away from his long ( _and now to her knowledge, very skilled_ ) fingers.

 

She finishes up with gauze taped to his right hand knuckles. There was still some visible blood beneath his fingernails but that can be his own problem later on. Now for his left. Instead of changing position she opts to pull his left arm across his body and bring it to her lap where she can work on cleaning him up.

 

His skin is so warm and palms calloused, his hand takes purchase on her knee comfortably and she actually enjoys the familiarity of the touch. Rey feels the slick heat left over reignite when his grip on her tightens as the alcohol swab burns at his skin again.

 

Surely hes aware that his touch is doing something enticing to her, either that or hes genuinely in pain, but even when the sting of alcohol is gone his thumb continues to rub circles into the dip of her kneecap. 

 

Some part of Rey wants to distract him, prolong the interaction to prolong his touch. She picks her mind for something.

 

“You never really clarified with me what happened”

 

“Yes I did. A colleague was mouthing off so i punched him” Kylo took her bait

 

“Colleague? You told me it was ‘just some asshole’”

 

“Same thing”

 

“Youre a teachers aide though. What kind of colleague has a knife and works at the university?”

 

“Wasnt a knife. It was a bottle”

 

“So he glassed you?”

 

Kylo huffed a small laugh again. 

 

“If it were a knife the wounds would have probably been more serious” He admits as if it were funny to him.  _ This happens all the time _ . His comment rings in her ears, this isn’t university work that got him cut up.

 

She cant help but to pry. “I’m guessing picking up holiday work papers didn’t go as planned?” she tried to joke as she layered on another strip of gauze to his next hand. He hummed in response, no words. He didn’t want to talk about it and she knows hes withholding information, but she can’t just demand it from him.

 

He wasnt hers. Not like before. Hes just a neighbour. 

 

“Do you mind if I…?” Rey motions, now moving her focus to the few small puncture wounds and slices on his chest, he nods. Now that shes up close she can see the multitude of freckles and moles on his skin, so many, none in the same places she remembers the  _ other _ kylo having, but just as many. 

 

“You were just shy of losing a nipple there” She couldnt keep back her comment when noticing the puncture just below his left (tit) pectoral muscle that had leaked a steady stream of blood down his ribs like a vibrant waterfall. Kylo looked at it and prodded the skin around the wound, a small amount of blood bubbled from it but it had dried itself up for the most part. 

 

There were a couple visible scar marks on his torso that she can finally see in this light. No, she wasnt ogling him, this was just something she picked up having to clean blood off of him and maybe sneak in a feel of his defined abdominals. 

 

She even had to pick out a shard of glass or two from the slashes, it made her consider maybe being a nurse if her studies fail. 

 

By the end of it shes sure Kylo had clenched his teeth to the point of breaking but all of his wounds had been cleaned and dressed, they should heal up fine and hopefully better than the other scars that litter his body in off color patches

 

“Thank you very much Rey, you are quite the medic” he thanks her at the door, tired and bled dry. Surely not how he expected his night to end but definitely a positive turn.

 

As she brings her hand to the knob to show him out he lets his control slip up a bit, clasping his own hand over hers and caging her body between the heavy wooden door and his own form. She looks up at him with wide eyes, but knowing ones, as if a memory had faded through her mind in that moment.

 

He kisses her, slow but deep, her sigh of contentment confirmed she’d been waiting for something like this, anything, just as he’d been waiting to  _ do something to her _ since that memory came to him again.

 

When he pulls away she chases him, lips so desperate for him, but he scares her off with a sharp nip. “Be a good girl and get some rest, its late” 

 

Because he wasnt wrong, Rey didnt persist, but the lingering taste of him was everything sinful that made her crave touch. His presence alone, stance dominating of her space and leaning over her, was dripping in eroticism that made her weak.

 

It almost hurt for him to part from her and slip out her front door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy lmao.  
> idk what to say.  
> Comments are appreciated <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So thats what Kylos been doing on his odd nights out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG  
> i keep hitting creative blocks, at least in the time between this chapter and the last i wrote something else that was a little... less nice than this fic in particular. rEGARDLESS! i hope you enjoy this one. I decided to do some more 'rey interacting with her friends' as well as a side of kylo.
> 
> Also TW this has mentions of narcotic drug use.

Rey arrives to her first class of the semester 10 minutes late, soaked to the bone, and running on just two hours of sleep. The past twenty four hours, in her opinion, have sucked complete ass.

 

Poe waves at her from his seat in the isle three levels up and she has to duck her head to keep from making eye contact with anyone on the way up. Its a little mortifying, but it could be worse, at least she had the forethought to wear mainly black today, she just hadnt anticipated her umbrella inverting itself and ripping to shreds from the wind, so the peaks of her chilled nipples could just barely be seen.

 

Her friend, bless his heart, sheds his leather jacket and drapes it over her shoulders as soon as shes seated to try and warm her up and cover any _unsightly exposures_ that may have caused.

 

“Bad day?” Poe asks with his usual boyish charm.

 

“You dont even know the half of it”

 

Her books came out of her bag unharmed, _thank the gods_ , because the lining is waterproof. Something she’d bought back in the summer years back when she participated in a swimming athletic group with Finn that seems to work wonders keeping water out, or in, depending on how you were using it.

 

Shes surprised its lasted this long honestly, because the seams are fraying and her IDY patchups of torn canvas fabric arent holding up like they used to. But its serving its purpose till she can bring herself to buy a new one when her emotional attachment wares through just like the dying shoulder strap.

 

“Dont worry, you havent missed much, just another introductory session like last time. Our professor is-”

 

“Fisto?”

 

Poe huffs a small laugh through his nose, lips pursed, _Fisto._ What a child he is, but rey smirks too because Poe’s actions always influence her own in some way. Professor Fisto is a tall chinese man standing at the front of the class, his hair was long and parted into sections of braids in a fashion she’d never seen before on a person. But it worked for him somehow, looking more like a tribal warrior than a man ready to lecture you on modern technology and powersources.

 

She’d been warned of two things from this man, his mind is so dense that sarcasm should never be used around him lest he takes you much too literally, and more importantly so, he was biased towards green energy and was a known ‘hippie’ so if you _rubbed him the right way_ , so to speak, you may get a little bump up on your grades.

His talks are easy enough to understand, he simplifies things a little too much though, and rey often loses her place in notes because sometimes it sounds like hes entirely changed subject to a new topic entirely. Rey already knows his lectures are probably going to be lost on her for the most part so her grades will rely entirely on her personal study.

 

_Fucking fantastic._

 

The class finishes 45 minutes later and Rey can feel a throbbing in the back of her eyes, she was exhausted, and Poe graciously treats her to lunch at the cafe a block away from the university building, and a new umbrella to ease her walk home.

 

He sits her down right beneath the heating ducts, insisting he’d pay, making it obvious he knows that something is up today and he wanted to give her comfort.

 

“So, whats up?” He tries a simple approach, sounding as casual as possible.

 

“Not a lot”

 

He raises an eyebrow, unsatisfied. “Babe theres bags under your eyes and you look pale, and I know thats not the rain, did something happen?”

 

Something was _always_ happening now. Something had been happening since she made a dumb ass decision to live on her own finally and moved in next to the literal devil. A sexy, beautiful devil who treats her nice in person and gives her migraines and nightmares when hes away.

 

She’d dreamed of him last night, and the night before, and even before that, they were becoming more and more fantastical and confusing with every passing night. Every time she can barely see his face, or he was masked, and his cold, unfeeling robotic voice talked down to her, threatened to take away everyone she loved and cared for, told her he’d rule the galaxy and in turn rule her.

 

Last night had been awful though.

 

What is worse is she cant draw the line between a dream and a memory any more. A memory can be warped by your dreams, or your dreams warped by memories, and in that world last night she watched Kylo Ren die.

 

They had been fighting violently, not the actions of two who needed one another, it was uncontained and raw from both sides. Neither of them showed an ounce of regret for the knicks and burns given from their lightsabers, Rey’s attacks were precise while Kylos were berserk. He didnt care, he paid no heed to his surroundings, he just wanted to get to her, to slice her in half with that crackling red blade of his but she would have none of it.

 

She wounds him badly, slicing a deep cut up across his face that startles him and sends him falling onto piles of metal scrap. Her blade then gracefully plunges into his chest, sinking completely to the hilt before drawing back out, Kylo gasps in pain, curling up on himself and crying out like a terrified hound.

 

There is no blood, these weapons cauterize, but somewhere in the back of her mind she felt she needed to draw it for his finality. He needed to be _very very dead_. Indefinitely. For the sake of the Resistance, for the sake of her life.

 

Rey bisects him, right through his middle, and the sounds he made were haunting. Those eyes, those deep brown eyes that look to her with love, glittered when a smile stretched on his face. He _laughs_ at her. He laughs with blood pouring from his lips and down his neck _at her_.

 

“Foolish girl, You try so hard to deny the darkside within you. How strong you can become, if only given the correct guidance”

 

His face is melting, Hair falls out in clumps and dissolve into dust till he looks like a skeletal deformed beast. His cheeks sink, eyes dilate and fade in color, the skin pulls apart like scar tissue below his cheekbones, all before his eyes roll back into his head and she is shocked awake from the sheer terror of it all.

 

Rey screams, she cries, it confuses her to no end and she hates it.

 

She hates Kylo in these moments too.

 

Sometimes she thinks, _if only id never moved in here, if only id never met him._ Maybe then her dreams wouldnt be plagued by demons in black cloaks.

 

“I havent been sleeping well” Rey confesses, accentuating her point by rubbing the folding eyebags beneath her eyes. Poe pouts and pats her hand in comfort, something knowing in his eyes, but surely far from knowledgeable of her current situation.

 

“Has something been happening at your place?”

 

“No, its nothing, probably just the stress of starting Uni again”

 

He opens his mouth to pry further when a peppy waitress saunters up to their table with pen and paper to take their orders. Poe takes a straight black coffee (because _hes a manly man_ ) while Rey opts for a saccharine nightmare of a latte with four shots of sweet caramel syrup. Poe was expecting something like a chai.

 

The girl disappears with a swish of choppy black hair and Rey’s eyes trick her into relating it to the fluttering of a dramatic cape in the wind. She shakes her head and turns back to her questioning friend.

 

“She your type?” he asks out of the blue.

 

Rey nearly chokes on air.

 

“WhAT?”

 

“I didnt mean to offend! You were just staring at her leaving i just kinda thought..”

 

“No no i just thought her hair was pretty”

 

He didnt believe her obviously, and made a show of raising his eyebrows at Rey when the waitress came to deliver their drinks, to which she responded with a sharp glare. _How immature_. Shes in no state to be ogling pretty girls anyway, not when shes this caught up in a fucked up fantasy world.

 

Not when she weekly recalls a vivid memory of Kylo and her making love.

 

She spends near hours trying to divert the conversation to something other than how _off_ shes been recently, till the sun is dwindling in the sky and the rain has calmed itself enough for Rey to trudge back home.

 

* * *

 

Rey settles into the grind of University easily, though studying is never her priority and she’ll be damned if she becomes a cog to the system, so she spends a lot more time with personalised ‘hands on learning’ in the form of deconstructing structures and reading them from the inside out with the addition of her texts for reference.

 

The only problem is if she cant put it back together becase these items are never realy hers that she takes apart.

 

Regardless. Its easy, and shes already sure her first mark is going to be high, she can feel it in her bones and she can feel it in the 5000 words shes written in two days on conductive metals, electrical circuitry, and power diversions.

 

She feels she deserves a break, a good one, with _booze_.

 

Rey knows just who she needs to contact for a good time.

 

Rey: My beautiful flower

 

Rose: Eyyy BB

 

Rey: Take me out tonight?  
  
Rose: Lmme check my bois

Rose: They ded, Be @ Urs in hour

 

Admittedly, shes never going to be used to the knowledge that Rose talks the way she texts, because she doesnt understand the texts sometimes. At the very least shes aware ‘ded’ means Finn and Poe are probably asleep or knocked out from their own work.

 

So now she has plans for the night, fantastic, Rey hopes to lose herself in some drink and enjoy herself, maybe dance some, maybe meet someone new. _Wait._ She thinks for a moment, _maybe i can plus one?_

 

Her head peeks out her balcony entrance and doesnt see a sign of Ren on his balcony. In fact, no lights were on over his side at all. Maybe hes not home? _Oh well_. It was the thought that counts, maybe next time she can invite him.

 

Instead Rey takes to doing herself up. She decides on letting her hair down and letting it naturally curl from her shower and aggressive hair drying, Her makeup is a clash between a nude and smokey eye only because she fucked up an eyeliner wing and couldnt get rid of all the black, and wore a body conforming deep blue lace dress.

 

She felt the right amount of pretty and sexy to be comfortable, and after a generous amount of time spent staring at herself in the mirror her buzzer rang, calling for her to let Rose into the building.

 

The little green button was sorely abused but you can never tell if the elevator was going up the right way or if Rose had been stopped on her way to it so she kept pressing every now and then till there was a knock on her door.

 

“Im here for your virginity!” Rose hollers into the wood before stumbling into the apartment, she’d taken care of a pre-drink on her way here it seemed. _Classic Rose._ Rey just laughs and returns a weak hug before the two parted to survey the others outfits.

 

Rose, being more on the petite and chubby side, wore a printed dress that flowed out from the hips and a black leather belt around her middle. Over her shoulders was one of the boys jackets, the brown leather one with the ripped back. And Heels higher than anything Rey had ever worn.

 

“You look good babe!”

 

“Same with you!”

 

Nothing boosts confidence like drunk girl compliments.

 

* * *

 

Rose takes them to a hole-in-the-wall bar that she can already tell is run by hipsters given the amount of potted plants and hand crafted rugs strewn about, the re-purposed door tables, also the fact that the bartenders name was ‘Neil’ and he wore a green plaid bowtie. Not to poke stereotypes but rey felt a burning sense of irony and she cant begin to fathom who its coming from.

 

She lets rose order for her, asking for something not on the menu, and calls the bartender by his first name flirtily at least three times. Shes a woman who knows how to use her attractiveness to get favors, or because shes just a nice person, but it depends on how much she can gain from a situation.

 

Very soon Rey has had at least three fruity drinks and feels a pleasant buzz in her head, fingertips numbing and not feeling the chilled air outside as they began to walk to destination number two. As Rose had explained her rules, you get drunk at a bar where drinks are cheap, and _then_ you go to the clubs, where the drinks are expensive but youre _already drunk so who cares_.

 

If anything Rose will just flirt some more drinks out of someone to keep them both sufficiently plastered till morning.

 

The club is a frenzy of sensations. Loud thudding beats and a bass so deep it shakes her ribs, Bodies moving together, sporadic and undulating in a mess of limbs and grinding hips, Reys brain is slow to process the space between the on and off flicker of the strobing lights. There is energy everywhere around her, heady and drunk and erotic, _exciting_.

 

Rose hooks her arm around Reys elbow and tugs her to an empty lounge, she cant find a way to comfortably sit on the cool leather, where Rose gracefully rests back and shows no sign of discomfort.

 

 _Shes too good at this_ . Rey thinks, _she belongs here._

 

There are many people around her, some standing and chatting with bodies leaned on high benches or chairs, the flashing dance floor is covered in moving bodies of bright colors. Lounges similar to the one she sits on are placed in various spaces, in corners hidden from view, or in the open where many eyes can indulge in your presence. Rose was gracious and had pulled her to the seat closest to the bar but off-center enough to not draw attention to the space.

 

Rey had never been to this club before, in fact she has only been to around three in her whole life, so she feels out of place despite the numbing peace that alcohol brought to her mind. Rose tapped her thigh and said something to her that she couldnt quite understand through the drone of the music before she stood and trotted away to the bar.

 

_She looks like a deer in those heels._

 

When left to her own devices Rey cant think to do anything more than people watch. Its an interesting place to be, you never know just who it is in those skimpy dresses or low hanging jeans, grinding against a stranger on the dance floor as if you know them. She trains her attention to the lounges, closest to the entrance were three _very inebriated_ women practically falling over each other on the leather seat, opposite to them were a group of four men enjoying the show.

 

Another seat had two lovers practically fucking each other on the sticky leather, leaving nothing to the imagination and being eyed by a bouncer ready to pounce. In the far corner beneath clouding smoke were dark figures moving in a probable VIP lounge, the nearly nude bodies of women moving in sultry waves against each other in a grossly sexual display for the gaze of the men sitting before them.

 

One of the women bends over to the low table in the middle of their area and picks up something so small she cant see, and slips it into her mouth before crawling into the lap of one of her male onlookers and kissing him deeply, its not hard for rey to summarize she was transfering whatever drug she had taken to that man.

 

She watches large hands slip up the womans thighs and grope her generous rear, they press to one another, fueled by their high, shes sure theyre a heartbeat away from fleeing to the dirty club restrooms. The woman is almost pushed away though by those massive hands, she wriggles her hips, but slides down from his lap to her knees.

 

Though it is dark Rey can clearly make out some features now that she focuses, in particular that sharp proud nose and luscious black hair. His eyes are lucid, head lolling with an odd smirk pulling on his lips as he runs his hand through the woman's loose blonde hair and tugs her closer to his spread legs.

 

_Kylo._

 

Something inside her burns. A violent jealousy, disappointment, something vile swelling in her chest only encouraged by the lingering alcohol in her blood. The air around her pulses, just once, but she knows she had done _something_ because the next moment those dark lidded eyes rise to meet hers from across the club. Strangling her in their smothering depths, a pulse returns and she feels it, a heavy, intoxicating feeling blankets her as if she were feeling everything he did.

 

The only thing that could snap their burning gaze was Rose passing in front of her with two glasses in hand, “Long island ice tea!” she chirps happily and places the tall glass in front of Rey. A man follows behind her, tall, dry eyed, dusty blonde hair and stubble. He was attractive in the way a Calvin Klein model is, very ‘cookie cutter’ and surely not Roses type.

 

_Oh fuck... shes trying to set me up._

 

The man sits on the opposite leather seat, facing the two women, his posture is confident but the air around him rings of arrogance and narcissism, but damn if he didnt have a disarming smile.

 

“Names Jason, you must be Rey?”

 

Rey’s lips thin into a slight forced smile, she nods as the man settles himself into a relaxed seat, elbows rested on his knees and taking in her body with hungry eyes. She feels the burning fire stir, just knowing a man was looking at her with such eyes was enough for her body to react. She tries to drench that sensation with her drink that burns with inaccurate amounts of alcohol and shes sure Rose flirted a higher alcohol content into them.

 

Again her eyes wander to where kylo sits while Rose chats with this other man. His posture has changed, somewhat more reserved, and the woman who was once between his thighs now sits perched on one of his knees and his arm hooked around her waist. His eyes are on Rey though, as if they had never moved from her, as if waiting for something.

 

“... Dont you think thats like cheating?” the voice of Jason brings her back to their little spot of isolation. Rose beside her shakes her head aggressively “No way! I love them both! And they love me both, and they love each other a tonne too!”

 

She was talking about her polyamorous relationship. It always seems to catch someones attention when she says “my boyfriends” and sometimes she intentionally brings them up just so she can gloat about her two perfect partners.

 

Jason just laughs. “Probably means the sex is always amazing”

 

Rose giggles, and he casts Rey a certain smirk with a twinkle in his eye. “Are you part of this little orgy club? Because if you are id love to join too”

 

_Very straight forward aren’t you? dick._

 

“Didnt you hear her? She said its just the three of them” Rey bites back. Again Rose giggles. Again Rey casts her gaze towards Kylo.

 

It catches Jasons attention and he looks back as well, Rose following, and he makes a half laugh huffing sound that sounds _so arrogant_ it makes her skin quiver. He looks at her with a raised brow now and that crooked smirk spreads to show his perfect straight teeth.

 

“You dont wanna go up there, love” he starts “I know its tempting, wanting to be a VIP, but those people are fuckin’ nuts”

 

He sounds like he knows more than Rey does about Kylos other life, she presses. “Nuts?”

 

Jason nods. “Only been up there once when one of the Rar sisters took interest in me, the drugs were great, nothing was cut. This place’s main contributors are the First Order though, nasty underground crime ring and theyre always up there getting their meat pulled by hot women”

 

The way he spoke was bordering vile, the term ‘getting their meat pulled’ shouldnt tie in with anything kylo related, when she thinks of him she thinks pleasant words in his deep but soft voice, or the memories of him and his meticulous speech patterns.

 

“The bratty redhead is Hux, Hes in charge of the main drug and arms dealing, that brute beside him is Ren, kinda like a bodyguard or something, hes always beating someone up or high as a kite, worse when its both. Im allowed up there but you know, Im not one for violence”

 

Rose casts a cautionary glance at Rey, shes hoping she hasnt put two and two together, after all Rose has never actually _seen_ Kylo before, so she surely cant tell.

 

“Scary” Rose mutters before sinking into her drink again. Throwing it all down till her straw obnoxiously bubbles against an empty bottom. Rey does the same, she doesnt want to be sober, she wants to go home and get out from under the gaze of ‘know it all Jason’.

 

Before Rose stands to try and get them some more and let the two of them spend some time together without her presence Jason stops her with his charming lopsided grin. “Ill take care of you girls, Ice tea was it?” he asks, Rose nods excitedly. “What a gentleman” she remarks sourly.

 

Rey only feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand.

 

Kylo was missing from his seat, now inhabited by another man, the ‘bratty redhead’, who takes lazy pulls from a cigarette while the now topless blonde woman dances for him.

 

_Hes probably outside smoking, he wouldnt do that inside…_

 

Rose turns to her “I know you have a kink for danger but maybe dont _be yourself_ and stay away from that place up there”.

 

“Excuse you? I wasnt even thinking about it”

 

“Then why do you keep looking over there?”

 

“That lady has her tits out give me a break!”

 

Rose does notice that too, and gives an understanding nod surrendering with an “Ok ill give you that.” before starting up again. “Jason is talking a lot of shit though”

 

At least they can both agree on that. Hes pretty but he runs his mouth, seeming all too proud to inform them of this First Order, or that he felt ‘too cool’ to be around them, leaving to get their drinks, hes ‘flexing’ to them.

 

They share a giggle with one another over it, Rose admitting her fault at thinking he’d be good company, and devising a way to scare him off and search for a new entertainer. Thats when Jason returns to them empty handed and pale in the face, he is all but shoved and stumbles onto the sofa when a booted foot pushes aggressively at his back.

 

Kylo stood there with the two tall glasses in hand, placing them none too gently on the table before them when he takes a seat directly opposite to Rey while Jason scrambles to be on the furthest side of the sofa away from the brooding dark man.

 

Rey has never seen his pupils so wide, whites of his eyes tinted pink with raised blood vessels and glassy. _High as a kite_ she reminds herself, but her drunk numbed brain feels no fear at his intimidating stature currently.

 

“Hey babe” his deep voice is like a dark cloud looming over the four of them.

 

“Hey sweetie”

 

The response isnt from Rey but Rose, who is grinning like a fool, a drunk happy fool that startles Rey into a shock of laughter. They both fall into a fit of giggles that can be excused by their current tipsy state, Ren holds an amused smile, and Jason looks terrified.

 

“I saw you two _dear_ lovely ladies come in and wanted to invite you up to the VIP lounges” Kylo continues around their laughter. The way he spoke left no room for an answer, more of a command. Rey knows he wanted her near him, as his eyes are always on her, watching her legs move the high hem of her lacy dress, her dimpled smile, those delicate exposed collarbones of hers.

 

He looked hungry.

 

“He was telling us not to!” Rose said, almost a shout, as she pointed to Jason who seemed to be trying to disintegrate himself out of existence.

 

“Oh, he was?” Rey felt that warmth spread more inside her, her thighs pressed together. _That deep, sexy voice._

 

Jason fumbles over himself, shaking hands holding up as if to defend himself while Kylo leans closer to him. “Y-you see, theyre new here, i was just worried for em cuz, y’ know, you guys are really…”

 

Kylo trails behind him “Really…?”. _Intimidating._

 

“Dangerous!” “No, Violent!”  Rose and Rey answer for him, digging the poor mans grave deep.

 

Jason whines. “I was going to say unpredictable”

 

Kylo was all but on top of Jason given the amount of weight he was now resting against him, Rey couldnt decipher whether this was an intimidation tactic or if its because he was incredibly ‘out of it’ given the drugs hes been taking.

 

“I think you should go” Ren’s voice was calm but had an underlying tone, he didnt need to be told twice, Jason stood and _bolted_ away, leaving the rest of the large man to come tumbling down onto the leather seat. He didnt seem to notice it happened till a few seconds later when he slowly turned his drowsy watered eyes towards them.

 

“You look good in that” he states, motioning towards Rey. “blue was always your color”

 

“Do you two know eachother?” Rose’s voice pipes in.

 

“Remember the scary neighbour? Thats Mr Ren”

 

Kylo mutters something under his breath, _not scary.._ While Rose takes a second or two to make the connection finally, clapping her hands and pointing between the other two. She looked somewhere between shocked and elated.

 

She tries to whisper “Rey thats your boyfriend!” but it comes out more of a hushed yell that makes Kylo snicker.

 

“Your _boyfriend_ wants to take you up where its safe” Kylo tries again, holding Reys gaze before folding a wink at her. _Damn._ _fuck it._

 

“Fine, okay”

 

* * *

 

Somewhere between many free drinks and generous touches Rey ends up in Kylos lap, his soothing large hands laced together over her belly and chin resting on her shoulder as a faceless man talks from the other side of the lounge. Rose is there, somewhere, she cant see but she can hear her laugh clear as day like bells in the air.

 

Kylo has shown her a few new things.

 

Different cocktails he assured shed love, and _he was always right_ , a certain part at the back of her neck that if nibbled _just right_ would send a lovely shiver down her spine to pool between her thighs. A spot only a lover of many years can know so well.

 

He’d shown her that given the right _substance_ colors can become so much brighter, much prettier. She hadnt even questioned it when Kylo takes her body onto his, languid as it is, and presses his mouth to hers. She lets him press his tongue into her mouth and tangle with her own, theres something at the tip of it but she cant taste anything but _him_ for long minutes till shes breathless.

 

She thinks nothing of it till it hits and everything is wonderful and vivid. Kylos hands on her hips are warm and comforting and filled with love, his arms, so strong, are protecting her, caging her in. Every time he speaks she feels the deep vibration of his sweet voice against her back and she _squirms_ against him playfully.

 

Its obvious shes riling him up, he growls something in her ear as one of his hands come down to caress her inner thigh and it shoots lightning to her core. She wants those hands all over her, she remembers every callous, the little scars on his knuckles and fingertips, how wonderfully tight they’d grip her hips when hes fucking her into a _literal oblivion._ She whimpers aloud and somewhere a male voice chides that “it may be time for someone to go home, Ren”

 

“I think youre right” the man behind her responds. Hands gripping her hips get tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what? Next chapter has a sex scene finally woooooh~


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of a good batch of extacy.
> 
> aaaand the aftermath of just shit in general lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than normal and i apologise for that! Im going to try to have at least fortnightly updates from now on, its just so easy for me to loose my flow XD
> 
> pray for me
> 
> ALSO THIS CHAPTER STARTS WITH BADLY WRITTEN SEX FROM A MALE VIRGIN HAVE FUN WIT DIS MESS

She doesnt remember how they got here. The space between leaving the club and coming back to the apartment was entirely lost but left her with a desperate throbbing between her thighs and numerous bruised bite marks on her neck.

 

Everything felt so sensitive, she was still high on whatever it was that Kylo gave her, and every rough touch or delicate brush of his hands on her body were driving her crazy. He ushers her into his bedroom with his mouth pressing into  _ that place  _ at her neck, she feels so ready for him,  desperate even in this drunken drugged stupor. 

 

She lets herself flop onto his neat sheets before him, shoes kicked off and hemline hitching over her tempting thighs. Kylo watches over her with those flaming hungry eyes, devouring the sight of her, of every inch of exposed skin and what is left to bare to him.

 

Rey all but whines as she watches him fumble to tear his shirt off, the buttons almost too difficult for his delirious hands till he inverts the fabric up over his head, the thud of his boots falling off to the ground follows. She wants to join him, she wants to feel the sensation of his smooth bedsheets on her bare flesh, to feel their slick skin press and grind and thrust into one another.

 

Her own hands drag down to the hem to begin lifting it up past her hips till Kylo’s hand shoots out and stops her.  _ Those fire eyes.  _ “Dont” he tells her, hand dropping from her wrist to grip her thigh right where it meets her hip and his thumb  _ barely grazes _ her clothed sex but makes her hips stutter nonetheless.

 

“I need to undress you”

 

_ Not want, need _ . 

 

He wastes no time slotting himself between her thighs, his warm large hands slowly trail up her sides dragging the deep blue lace fabric along with it and leaving a blazing path on her skin. The dress bunches just a bit too much at her chest and he has no choice but to pull the whole thing up and over her head, she giggles at this, and its beautiful.

 

While her panties were a modest shade of off-white, sparing no details or frills, her breasts were already exposed and waiting for him, her modest small bust size making it easier to go braless in her more detailed dainty outfits.

 

Kylo groaned outwardly and dropped a path of kisses from her collar down to her soft stiffening nipples. Just as petite and lovely as he remembers, even the first time she had disrobed in front of him amongst the debris of a unkept starship he had been enamored by them. She sighs dreamily as he takes one of her pink buds into his mouth and gently rolls his tongue against it,  _ she liked it back then, she likes it now. Shes the same woman, my Rey.  _

 

Large hungry hands enclose around her hips and massage her soft flesh, she is so small, so light, its easy for him to lift her lower body up to grind against him and her ankles lock at the small of his back.

 

Rey has that beautiful smile on her face, head rolling on the pillow and eyes incapable of focusing on one thing for too long, he too feels the dizzying effects, but like every other time he knows how to hold himself. He knows how his senses are heightened and he can feel every shiver and twitch of her body beneath him as he laps at her warm skin, or the light throb of her clothed pussy pressed against his own straining hardness. He can feel  _ everything _ .

 

In a way it reminds him of  _ back then _ . 

 

Back when a celestial power bridged their minds, bodies, and souls, and wrought them with each others pleasure at the precipice of climax. They were once wrapped in each others sensations, he could peer into her mind and give her everything she wanted, hear the words she was too shy to vocalise.  _ Touch me here, kiss me there, harder, please for the love of god harder.  _

 

_ God, does he miss her. _

 

The images before his eyes are blurring, the lines that separate his own being from the one below him were quickly melding into something indistinguishable. But it was warm, pleasant, she mewled  _ just like _ his long lost lover and the innermost pieces of his heart cried for just a little more time in his beautiful memories.

 

Rey’s hips press to him, slow but sure undulations that made her spine tingle wonderfully, she felt wetness and tension and it was  _ amazing _ . Kylo groaned against her breast, dropping one of his hands from her hip to unzip his jeans, frantic and disorderly with his shaking fingers struggling to find its grip. 

 

He shucks his jeans past his hips, dragging his boxers along with them to press his hard cock against her entrance, he moaned at the contact. “Fuck, I can feel how wet you are”, Rey in turn whimpered and rolled her hips.

 

Wasting no time he slipped the same hand beneath the band of her panties and drove a finger inside of her, he relished in the delicious warmth of her fluttering walls, a second finger easily joins, shes  _ ready _ for him, shes always been.

 

“M’ gonna fuck you, so good”

 

Kylo mouths his way back to her neck, biting marks into her numb skin, she barely notices the small instances of drawn blood, all she feels is pleasure. He hooks his fingers in the crotch of her panties and pulled them aside, dragging the tip of himself against her slick folds.

 

“Please Kylo” Rey moans.

 

_ Please, Ben  _ the same sweet voice cooes in his ears worlds away.

 

He doesnt need to be told twice, hips snapping forward and sinking to the hilt. Rey sounds oh so sweet, so beautiful, the warmth that envelops him is otherworldly and he cant help but to sigh, its  _ just as he remembers _ . He can feel her thighs trembling at his sides and her pussy tightens around him. 

 

Shes murmuring something, head rolling, “so… big. Kylo”, he feels she too is worlds away, her pupils eclipsing the iris just like his own, just a slave to the sensations of her own body. He begins to rock into her, harsh and desperate, he adores watching her cute small tits bounce with the force of every thrust.

 

Its  _ Rey.  _

 

_ Every aspect is perfect, everything is the same. Her lips, her eyes, the thousands of freckles on her gorgeous sunkissed cheeks. Shes real. _

 

_ Hes sure of it _ . The whispering claws of doubt still sink themselves into his calves nonetheless. ‘ _ Sure, lie to yourself, she will be gone by morning’.  _ He will make the most of his hopeless fantasy.

 

* * *

 

Morning greets Rey with a tender warmth, of arms clasped tightly round her and plush lips peppering kisses to her cheeks and forehead. She cant remember ever waking feeling so loved, so  _ sore _ , regardless of the light pounding headache settling behind her eyes.

 

A deep and quite messy sniffle is the last thing to bring her into this world.

 

“G’morning” Rey purrs, the arms around get get somehow tighter. The man doesnt respond, and she cant quite put the pieces together of where she is or who shes with, but she feels safe and warm. Her heart knows to trust him. She pushes his chest to move back to get a view of his face and he seems so desperate to keep her pressed to his chest.

 

“...Kylo?”

 

“hey” 

 

He looks down at her with red rimmed eyes, glistening with tears, and voice thick with sleep and crying.  _ What had even happened?  _

 

Her hands instinctively come to rest on his cheeks, feeling the stubble of his jaw graze her wrists in a lovely ticklish way. He turns to press a kiss to her palm. “Are you ok?” Rey asks. 

 

“Yeah… m’ good”

 

“You dont look it”

 

He huffs a laugh and threads his fingers in her hair, tugging her none too gently forward to press another kiss to her forehead and the tip of her nose. She scrunches her face and almost swats him away if it werent for how endearing it was.

 

“Ok, hold up casanova. Whats going on? Did i go home with you? I cant remember much from last night, and what about rose? And why are you crying?”

 

She starts with many questions he cant collect himself to answer just yet. Instead he cradles her more, sighing, waiting for his lungs to settle from his bout of tears earlier. “How about i make us breakfast and then ill answer your questions, ok?”

 

“Will it be like last time?” Rey responds

 

“The hangover one?”

 

“yes!”  she is all but drooling

 

“Fine”

 

* * *

 

“- she left like fifteen voicemails oh my god”

 

Rey scrolls through the literal wall of messages on her phone at the table while Kylo tiredly tries to keep a piece of egg on his fork long enough to reach his mouth. Given the events of last night she has decided clubbing was  _ definitely fun _ but a once in a blue moon situation, despite how Kylo claims its an enjoyable passtime.

 

One of the negative side effects is leaving before Rose and waking up to hear a timeline progression of Rose becoming more and more worried you have died on the side of the road or have been abducted by aliens. Rey simply leaves a short text message, ‘ _ Went home w/ Kylo, talk later’,  _ to which Rose responds with an ‘ok’ hand emoji and a wink face.

 

“Are you going to tell me why you were crying yet?”

 

Kylo sighs at her question.

 

“Oh, come on, you can trust me, did you have a nightmare or something?”

 

His eyes darted to her before meekly dropping to his plate again, she’d never seen him in such a submissive state. Again he sighed.

 

“Ok…” he concedes. Rey perks up at full attention. “So… I’ve had the memories for the last thirteen years of my life” she nods to show shes listening “Sometimes id bring women home, ones that look like you, even ones that dont, Id hallucinate that im fucking you and in the morning im always so disappointed it wasnt the real you”

 

His honesty was expected, but admittedly rubbed Rey the wrong way somehow. He was so desperate to have her,  _ Just how many women have you been with in my name? _ . 

 

“I honestly… still dont know if youre actually Rey”

 

“Who else could I be?” Rey sniped back

 

“Give me a break!” He growled, thick dark brows knitting into a scowl he throws at her. “You havent had them! The hallucinations, the delusions, you forget who you really are, or who youre talking to, the world becomes terrifying and confusing”

 

“It cant have been that bad-”

 

“You have NO IDEA!”

 

His fists hit the table with a thunderous slam, shaking the contents and tipping over his personal mug of coffee. He hisses a swear through his teeth and stands, Rey feels herself draw into herself, shoulders pulled up and backing into the seat of her chair. 

 

Kylo drags a frustrated hand down his face and turns to head into the kitchen. Probably to get a towel to clean up his mess, but Reys only mental instinct tells her to  _ get the hell out of there.  _ She’d be damned if she stays and gets yelled at by her shitty neighbour. Luckily her phone was by her side, as was her wallet. Sure some small articles of clothes are left somewhere in this apartment but that can be a problem much later.

 

She slips out of her chair as soon as his back is turned and quickly scurries to his door, bare feet making not a sound, and heavy wooden door making a simple click as she exits. She felt almost ashamed, but the fight or flight response burned up violently in her.

 

* * *

 

_ He chases her with purpose, his stature massive and aggressive, in all ways he possessed an air of domination, bitter and angry, but powerful. Ultimately intimidating.  _

 

_ He was pissed, she can hear his labored breaths from a distance, distorted through the robotic mouthpiece of his new helmet. Kylo’s saber is clasped by his side, and rey is sure if his gloves werent on his fingers would be white as snow in that shaking grip of his. It cast a familiar eerie red glow across the darkened cavern walls. _

 

_ Rey is weaponless, terrified, and she weaves the force around her like a safety blanket, willing away the evil, the impure. Her feet carry her slower on the slick stones where his own footfalls are nearly perfect and constant, like hes being guided through, like hes been here before. _

 

_ They are in caves, winding tunnels with flecks of light left over in lightstone lanterns, every turn she took she knew somehow Kylo had sensed her change of position. Hes closing in and fast. Something whispers to her,  _ below, below, to the left. Now. _ a foot level alcove no more than a half meter tall is by her side, as she halts her pace she finds herself slipping on the dewy moss and gracelessly crawling into the small rocky hole. _

 

_ She curls into herself, becoming as small as possible and tugging the force blanket tighter around her. Those intimidating footfalls get closer and closer, echoing, foreboding, till they stop right before her hiding place. _

 

_ Hes panting, the strain of leather can be heard as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, clenching his fists, flexing, hes pent up and angry and  _ needs her _ for some reason.  _

 

_ “Where is she?” he asks aloud. Reys breath is held in fear he could hear a single thing. _

 

_ “REY!” _

 

* * *

 

_ “REY”  _

 

The shout shocks her, she’d experienced another memory episode in the middle of tiptoeing to her apartment. Even with the separation of their bedroom walls she could hear the loud angered shout as Kylo returns to find her missing from his living room.

 

A heartbeat should never be so fast, Reys trembling hand rests on her chest in an attempt to calm herself down. She hears another succession of noises from Kylos apartment. A loud bang like furniture being thrown, the shattering of ceramic kitchenware, and desperate frustrated swears yelled till his throat was raw.

 

It was  _ scary _ . 

 

It was obvious Kylo had some physical strength behind him, with a body like that how could he not? But the continuation of his… earlier selfs inability to control his anger settled a heavy fear deep in her gut. His tantrum lasts ten minutes before everything quiets down, she pictures he’d just angried himself to sleep on the couch or is moping while picking up broken pieces of dinner plate.

 

_ Was he like this always.. Back then?  _

 

She doesnt remember enough to form a solid idea, barely anything had been recovered of a domestic life between them, just the fleeting moments of romantic glances from across long tables of many people, or the occasional fight in many different planetary backgrounds. She feels the love _other Rey_ _feels for_ _other Kylo_ but love is blind, and Kylo was a man with no control.

 

_ Did he ever hurt me? Would he yell at me? Was he abusive? _

 

The questions she asks herself are harrowing.

 

Rey picks up her phone and texts Rose.

  
  


Rey:  _ please call me. _

  
  


* * *

 

Kylos absence didnt keep the memories at bay, but admittedly, without him around the memories were hopelessly boring. More often than not she’d remember the Millennium Falcon, a beast construct of amazing navigational feats, with an interior she had gotten close and personal with over long spans of space travel. 

 

In the memories she reads texts she cant decipher but her brain still retains the information her  _ other self _ retained. Bits and pieces of manuals, some old withered books with the key term  _ Jedi _ that flittered to the back of her mind to hide their secrets, holoscreens with personal profiles of ugly alien persons.

 

She’d done a lot of learning in the past few weeks. But she had also lost time. The first instance left her unnerved and lost in a part of the city she rarely ever visited, having walked for an hour in one direction while reliving the exploration of a forest terrain. The next was easier but still a painful realisation. At one glance her clock read 1pm, her world tipped into a negotiations room at a round table of many species discussing political matters, an assuring presence beside her that she never turned to look at.

 

A memory that only felt like a matter of minutes took five hours away from her.

 

Just like Kylo, she was beginning to lose her sense of reality.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no, hes actually writing plot.
> 
> >:3c things are gonna get worse before they get better my friends


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snippet of the life of a young Ky- wait.. Ben Solo. yeah that dude.
> 
> very kylo focused.
> 
> another short chapter tho my bad u know i love yall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> this chapter includes the following.  
> child abuse, bullying, depression, self harm, and suicide.  
> Read at your own risk.

The world had been beautiful, once.

 

To a boy like Ben, bright eyed with wonder, had a brilliant mind full of new ideas, a near insatiable thirst for knowledge, and no barriers to cage him in. There was such potential. 

 

Mother wanted him to become a Doctor. His hands were deft and precise, he’d always colored in the lines, and his understanding of medical sciences was gained easily through dedicated study, even as a child he had been strong of heart and expressed a desire to help people. Mother would have been proud.

 

Father wanted him to become an Engineer. The potential to mold his mind, eager to learn, to hold such precise and math sensitive knowledge. He’d excelled in his classes of mathematics, he’d become interested in cars and planes, pretty buildings and odd architecture. His mind brimming with possible ideas. Father would have been proud too.

 

But they werent.

 

Ben had no desire for these pathways, but he’d listened to every sugar coated word of praise and approval and desperately chased the feeling of validation from his parents. He didnt know what he wanted, and at fifteen he shouldnt. At fifteen life was a colorful mess of friendships and puberty and confusion.

 

As he studied harder he became more reclusive, granted his pool of friendships was small to begin with, but very soon he realised the bridges he’d built in his youth couldnt shoulder the weight of the man he was becoming. Very soon he realised he was purposefully ignored by his classmates, by his prior  _ friends _ . 

 

Very soon Ben discovered what lonliness felt like. 

 

Loneliness was a heavy blanket of doubt and fear that he’d drape over himself every night and consider,  _ will i die alone? _ Loneliness was suffocating, blocking his airways with thick mucous when his  _ oh so brilliant mind _ wandered to the darker corners of itself and dredged up long forgotten sadness, leaving the unfinished pages of his study sheets smeared with fresh tear stains. 

 

Loneliness was a deterrent from ambition, from progress,  _ from study. _ Ben’s parents were not pleased when his grades began to drop. Father started with a weak threat,  _ “if you dont get those marks back up you’ll be grounded during break”, _ Ben didnt care, what good would grounding do? He had no friends to spend time with anyway. 

 

The grades stayed constant, barely averaging a B -, The ‘perfect malleable mind’ teachers had been so proud of, that his  _ parents _ had been so proud of, turns out to have been far from perfect. He was no longer the smartest student in the class, now he instead was the quiet underachiever who’d find things stolen from his personal belongings, who’d be called upon to answer in front of the class and listen to his peers snicker and mutter amongst themselves when the teacher disapprovingly sneers at his incorrect answer conjured by a panicked mind. 

 

When Ben’s report card came in at the end of the year was the first time he’d felt the sting of his Father's hand. The man was furious, his wife sat on the other side of the lounge suite and watched emotionlessly over the rim of a full wine glass. They were disappointed in him.

 

“What the fuck have you been doing!” Father growls down at Bens shrinking form. 

 

The poor boys voice was caught in his throat, he didnt know how to respond, what to tell them. _I dont have the heart to work anymore, I feel helpless, hopeless, I’m scared theres no future for me._ _No one likes me. Im going to die alone._ But the fury in his fathers eyes left no room for excuses, so he just shook his head and quietly told him “i dont know”.

 

Father raised his hand in a fist the next time.

  
  
  


From the outside things were almost perfect. His bruises hid under the long sleeves that also hid the myriad of personal mutilations and weakened brittle skin from the collective days he’d refused to eat. Bens grades picked up again, gradually, but never got him back to his A grade status. Very soon his parents had given up on the idea of having a son they could be proud of.

 

But his father hadn't given up punishing him. Hadn’t given up drinking, Hadn’t given up working the long painful shifts he claims to hate so much. Hadn’t given up the beatings. 

 

By Ben’s sixteenth birthday he was surprised he hadn’t bleed out and died. The drive of existence had long since left him like the breath from his lungs at the impact of his fathers heavy work boots. 

 

_ There is nothing for me. I am worthless. I am unloved. _

 

He sets a familiar mantra of doubt and sadness in his mind as he locks the bathroom door. Mother was asleep, father was out drinking. He was alone,  _ all alone, so alone _ . 

 

The embrace of warm bath water welcomed him and brought his clothing tight to his skin, nearly suffocating, it felt akin to what he’d imagine being inside a womb would feel like. This could very well be his rebirth after all.

 

Ben collects the straight razor blade from the third set of drawers beside him below the sink basin, Father left them strewn about the other contents in a haphazard mess but it was easy for them to go missing without him batting an eye. 

 

The sting numbs quickly, drawn in a perfect line down his left forearm before switching hands, his right arm takes a shakier, messier cut from adrenaline sensitised fingers, shaking like leaves in the wind. 

 

_ I am worthless, I am unloved.  _

 

His arms sink below the water at his waistline and the throbbing soon became but a tickle on his wrists.  _ I am okay with this. _ He told himself, as an acceptance of fear blankets his mind in a haze, and his blood pressure begins to drop slowly. 

 

_ I will always be alone, I will die alone. _

 

* * *

 

_ “You are not alone” _

 

_ A deep voice echoes in his ears, reverberating in his chest like a steady heartbeat.  _

 

_ Across from him a beautiful woman sits, tears brimming her eyes, but she stares at him with such familiarity, trust, and something akin to love. _

 

_ “Neither are you” _

 

_ She reaches for him, he reaches for her. he can feel everything, the softness of her fingers tracing the palm of his hands, the way his heart beat heavier in his chest, he feels adoration, he feels acceptance, she was here for him, he wasnt alone, he had someone. _

 

* * *

 

Ben is rebirthed, plunged into oblivion with newfound longing.

  
  


* * *

 

A careful handful of memories come to Ben, younger years of exploring a palace like building, ornate decorations, luxurious dresses, bickering in the background that a young mind didnt care to listen to. Creatures of an unknown origin that spoke in tongues he’d never understand, they favored a woman, his mother, but not the mother he knows. This woman was Leia and she loved him very much.

 

He remembered being eight years old and sitting on his fathers lap, Han, in the cockpit of a starship, a fantastical exploration of the unknown, no fear of beatings from misplaced steps or sounds, just a father and son who love eachother watching the infinite universe go by.

 

He remembers the woman,  _ his woman _ , and dancing with her in the middle of an empty room. Her eyes shone like the stars above and her smile made his heart race every time he caught a glance of it. She made him feel warm where he was once chilled to the core. He loved her. 

  
  


He remembers the doctors bustling around him speaking in hushed voices. Pattering of footsteps, beeping machines, disorientation.

 

“You have been in a coma for seven weeks, Ben”

 

* * *

 

Ben is prescribed antipsychotic and antidepressant medication at 18. He takes his morning coffee with a handfull of pills while his mother sadly watches him at the kitchen table, thinking about where she went wrong down this road of parenthood.

 

Father had left, the weight of his sons attempted suicide was too heavy for him and he disappeared without a trace. It only left Ben with more guilt, more loathing, but the pills numbed it all.  _ I am fine, I am okay with this. _

 

Now its just the two of them. Mother, not quite Leia, who drank away her sorrows and still held the hopes father would come home one day, and Ben, who continues to become a greater disappointment every week that passes. 

 

Ben, whos ex-girlfriend spread his personal photos in anger after calling her “Rey” during sex. Ben, whos constantly bruised but equally defended as he starts fights with his classmates. Ben, whos been picked up by police twice in a month from hallucinatory misadventures leaving him barely dressed, alone, and panicked in a place he’s unfamiliar with.

 

Ben, who hates Ben more than anyone else in the whole universe. 

 

He told himself if he wanted to do anything with his life, if he wanted to escape this torrent of hate and mistrust and confusion, Ben has to die. And he will gladly kill him.

 

* * *

 

Loud obnoxious beeping wakes the tired man from his rest. His phone had been knocked from under his pillow to the ground below so he hangs awkwardly off the tipping mattress edge to answer the call.

 

“Hello?” Kylo asks, groggy from sleep.  _ What time even is it? _

 

“Kylo?” the voice on the other side is high pitched and nervous.  _ Rey _ . He pulls himself upright immediately and checks the clock on his bedside table. It was 4am on a tuesday.  _ Something is wrong _ .

 

“Rey? Its me, whats happened, where are you?”  _ Where have you been, why havent you spoken to me in like a month?  _

 

“I… I dont know. I think this is the D’qar campus. I cant... Where are you? Ben? Ben!” Panic rose in her again. He figured she was mid hallucination when she had a break of clarity. He didnt even hesitate. “I’m here babe, I’m right here, I’m coming down now”.

 

The sounds of Rey’s sobbing continued over the phone as he sped to the university campus. Breaking more than enough road laws that he didnt care about, she was in danger, she  _ needed him _ . She was  _ alone _ and he’d be damned if she came back to her senses afraid and lonely. 

 

Kylo finds her curled in on herself in the archway leading to the main botanical garden. Head cradled in her knees and the distinct sound of her sniffling amongst the quiet chirps of crickets. Shes surely not dressed for the weather, wearing her pyjama shorts, large hoodie, and a pair of grass stained socks, He peels his own jacket off in preparation to hand it over.

 

“Rey?”

 

His voice is quiet as to not startle, and she raises her head to meet him. Her eyes were red rimmed and wet, cheeks blotched red too, she looked exhausted and miserable, but the familiarity in her eyes was welcome. She had probably come out of her delirium minutes before he arrived.

 

“Kylo?” she responds, throat hoarse and mouth sticky with mucous. She needed to come home and get cleaned up. Kylo kneeled down to her side and she latched onto him immediately, arms wrapping tightly around his neck and burying her face in his chest, in turn he brings her close, tucking her small body in his arms. “I want to go home” she meekly whines.

 

As they drive home she remains quiet, his jacket is draped on her exposed thighs for warmth and she doesnt dare look out the windows. He remembers the motion sickness of being in a vehicle after experiencing a bad hallucination, and the mess he had to clean up following that.

 

She was very lucky she’d gone under wearing what she had, at the very least, her phone was in her pocket when she came to. Kylo would hate to think of what would have happened if she didnt, having to walk home in the cold, disoriented and scared. 

 

Rey takes his hand as they wait for the elevator, small and warm, and the feeling of dread is silenced by an underlying softness. She will be okay, this is one of what will soon become many episodes, but he wont let her be alone for this. She deserves better than that. She gets closer with every passing second, like shes trying to melt into him and become one, pressing into his side as close as she could.

 

He figured she’d be like this too. “Do you want to stay the night?” he asks. 

 

She looks up at him with those doe eyes of hers and she needn’t say a thing. He simply squeezes her tiny hand a little harder.

 

* * *

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kylo asks.

 

Rey is perched in his lap, freshly showered and wearing his sweatpants and her hoodie, she is warm and she is safe, though the aftershocks of her episode ripple through her. Her hands have a slight tremble to them as she nurses a mug of tea.

 

“Hm” she affirms with a small nod, but theres some hesitance to her. She draws a stuttered breath before asking. “Were you once called Ben?”

 

Though he wants to lie he nods. “Yes, Both then and now” 

 

“... You were hurt, badly. It looks like you were dying a-and” she sniffles “I was trying so hard to get to you but they wouldn’t let me. There was fire and blood and you were  _ cut in half _ im sorry! I’m so so sorry I couldn’t save you”

 

It was obvious she was still feeling everything her alternate self had been feeling, the fear and desperation of trying to save a loved one. He knows of many  _ many  _ times he was on the brink of death though, and many where he had practically been bisected, if it weren’t for his stubborn spirit and skywalker blood he would have died much earlier. 

 

“Shh, no babe. Its okay, you did what you could” He cooes to her, brushing fingers lightly against her hair. She sniffles again.

 

“I was so worried you wouldnt answer your phone, you were right there in front of me I just… I didn’t- “

 

“You didn’t know what was real. It happens sometimes, but its over now”

 

Rey quietens for a few moments and the low hum of the heating system keeps the fog from their minds. Filling the silence with noise again.

 

Rey starts again. “I didnt think id see you die so soon”

 

“But you knew you’d watch me die?” 

 

“I expected it…”

 

Kylo huffs a slightly sarcastic laugh at her. “What color was the earth, dear?”

 

She looks at him scrutinizingly, one of the pains that will accompany this memory bond of theirs was the knowledge that he will always be one step ahead of her, he always knows more than she does and has spent much longer in this strange realm of theirs.

 

“Brown, it was all dirt”

 

“And the sky?”

 

“It was like… bright pink? Almost neon”

 

“And there were lizard aliens around us?”

 

“Yes! You remember it?” She almost sounded excited.

 

“Yes, I didn’t die that day. But I was out of commission for quite some time following that fight. I didn’t get cut in half, but my arm was severed. We were on a peace mission in the name of the Force to settle territorial disputes between the two native species of the planet”

 

“I remember walking through all the caverns and we got lost, one of the lizards came at you with a sword and…”

 

“And he knocked me on my righteous ass” Kylo let himself laugh at this. Yes. he remembers it well. Especially the searing pain that burned through him, the agony of a phantom limb, and worse yet the separation of him from his  _ wife _ . The Lizard people (if he remembers well enough they were nicknamed zuccs) had taken Rey prisoner and left him for dead, believing his damage to have been enough to end him for good.

 

But he was rescued by the other natives, the slightly more developed avian-like species known as Kyree, who patched him up as well as they could sans his missing left arm. He trekked through hell and high water to get back to her, and they completed their mission  _ more or less _ though it was housed on a foundation of fear and submission of the species rather than a peaceful resolution.

 

Kylo literally intimidated them ( _ mainly the zuccs) _ into ‘playing nice’. They bowed easy to the fury of the dark side, and to the rage of a man in love.

 

The memory was fun to muse on, he wishes Rey will one day be able to look back on their misadventures fondly. They have done so much together, and he would like to see how she responds to the many other times he’d been cut down in one of his states of arrogance, much too ready for a battle he’d overestimated himself in.

 

When he thought about it though… he has yet to relive his own death. The thought is sobering.

 

“You said you were called Ben here too, yeah?” Rey asks, she leans over to place her now empty tea mug on the top of the coffee table.  _ Don’t go there don’t go there please.  _ “Yeah”

 

“Did you change it to Kylo because of the same reasons?”

 

“... and what were my reasons last time?” he inquires.

 

“I don’t know yet”

 

He grunts and shifts her in his arms till her thighs have planted themselves on opposite sides of his own. She faces him, up close and shy, and he remembers the last time they were together was in the aftermath of lovemaking. He kisses her chastely, to which she gladly opens up and waits for him to deepen it, but he doesnt. He wants to be gentle, shes fragile but doesnt know it, he doesnt want to push her back into that confusing world just yet.

 

“I decided to go by Kylo when I was eighteen, two years after my memories started, I did it when I finally left home”

 

“What was your last name?”

 

“... I can’t remember it anymore, only my other selves”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *finger guns*  
> see Kylo was sad BEFORE the shit went down. he just continued being sad forever lol


End file.
